Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Worst Movies of All Time and How they ruined my life!

As we had my top 50 favorites movies, let me now introduce to you the worst 50 movies I have ever seen. Note I have not seen: The Hottie and the Nottie (a classic with Paris Hilton which actually co-starred a high school friend of mine Adam Kulbersh), Titanic 2 (yes, they made one and it was a cartoon from what I've heard) and Freddie got Fingered."

Enjoy unless you've seen these movies!

50. Harold and Kumar's 3D Christmas - Andrea and I saw this the other night. Why ruin a classic by doing 2 terrible sequels? This one is far worse than number 2. On the other hand, I consider this movie to be the number 2 that my son makes every morning.

49. Jaws The Revenge - a shark getting revenge against people. Seriously? I want revenge from the theater. Give me my money back. And I'm even more disappointed that Michael Caine did this movie. Mario Van Peebles I understand. BUT Michael Caine?

48. Waterworld - Some rank this the worst movie of all time. Those people are not stupid. Kevin Costner is still trying to make up for this disaster. At least he was smart enough not to make a sequel.

47. Major League 3: Back to the Minors - Speaking of sequels. This is as bad as it gets. At least Charlie Sheen had enough decency not to appear in this one. Scott Bakula should have quantum leaped his way out of this miserable film.

46. Anything from the Sci Fi channel - Jersey Shore Shark Attack - Yeah, that was a movie. I have to call out Shark Attack 3: Megalodon as well. If you like gigantic sharks eating boats in one bite, this is your film!

45. Glitter - Mariah Carey's best performance so far...and to my knowledge her only one.

44. Boogeyman - I wanted the Boogeyman to come get me out of this movie. Apparently, they not only made a sequel for this flop but they even made it a trilogy. My guess is the case set can be found at your $1 bin at Walmart.

43. Superman 3 - Richard Pryor couldn't save this movie nor could Superman himself. Superman the Quest for Peace was pretty bad too. I think it started a war.

42. Howard the Duck - I had a dog named Howard growing up. I almost changed his name after seeing this movie. I also ate more duck after this movie but it's purely coincidence.

41. From Justin to Kelly - or as I call it - 2 finalists on American Idol collecting paychecks to act very poorly. Kelly survived this. Justin might be in Jaws V the Return of a shark who eats families.

40. Any movie with party in the title that's a horror movie - Slumber Party, Sorority Party, etc. Great USA Up-All-Night movies though for all of you 80's people.

39. Open Water 2: Adrift - I felt adrift after watching this movie. S.O.S. - someone please turn off my TV!

38. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation - this is where Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zelwegger got their start. This made Matthew's appearance in Fool's Gold and Failure to Launch look like Academy Award Winning Roles. I wonder if the name of this movie had Renee Z at hello.

37. Nothing But Trouble - this horrible movie revealed to me that Chevy Chase's career was about over. Also the title should have hinted to me not to see this movie.

36. Jason X - Seriously Jason Voohries went to space. I'm serious. This was one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen. However if it was in the "Horrible" section, it was a masterpiece.

35. Superman Returns - the director should not only never be allowed to make another comic book movie; he should have to wear a shirt reading "I ruined the Superman franchise. Sorry." every day for the rest of this life. Honorable mention to Batman & Robin but I think Clooney is too good of an actor to put this in my top 50.

34. All Final Destination movies after the first one - It's not a good sign if you're laughing when people die unless you're some psychotic killer. After watching this movie, I think there will be a lot more psychotic killers in the world.

33. Star Wars I: the Phantom Menace - I found myself at a midnight show going in and out of sleep during this movie. Jarjar Binx is the worst character in all of movies. George Lucas, I hope you got a lot of money for this because you owe a lot of people refunds!

32. Green Lantern - It should have been called "Ryan Reynolds wanted a paycheck." At least he got Blake Lively out of the deal; not a bad consolation prize.

31. It's Pat: The Movie - Title change - "It's Horrible: This Movie."

30. Adam Sandler movies after Big Daddy - Sometimes I think Adam thinks of a movie and the next day he and his buddies go out and shoot it and it's in the theater 3 days later and then a few days later he realizes, "OK, not a great idea." See Grown Ups as an example.

29. Will Ferrell movies - Don't get me wrong - I loved Old School and Anchorman and even liked Talledega Nights. But when he does a terrible movie "The Campaign," "Land of the Lost" or "Kicking and Screaming," it makes me wonder if he is telling the audience I think you're stupid enough to enjoy this. Well Will, you're wrong, sir!

28. To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar - Dear Wong Foo, thanks for ruining my night at the movies. Andy Lipman.

27. Home Alone 3: McCauley Culkin wasn't in this movie. McCauley Culkin was a lucky man. Hopefully he wasn't in the theater to see it. If he was, that leaves only 7 more people.

26. Rhinestone - I love Sylvestor Stallone. I love Dolly Parton. I hated this movie. If I ever hear Sly sing again, it will be too soon.

25. Flubber - Robin Williams, you are one of my favorite actors. Much like when I peed my pants in the first grade, I'll pretend this didn't happen.

24. Gigli - Ben Affleck, why? Why would you do this? The movie co-starring J-Lo ended like your relationship to J-Lo. Messy!

23. Showgirls - Elizabeth Berkley is very good looking...and that's what I got out of this movie. She should have done Saved by the Bell: The College Years instead.

22. Striptease - There is stripping but the tease was that there would be good acting in this movie. If I had to pick which is worse between this and Showgirls, I think I would prefer not to choose but instead watch my Bar Mitzvah video in slow motion.

21. Speed 2: Cruise Control - Even Sandra Bullock admitted this movie sucked. She was right.

20. Cobra - Sly, what are you doing? I was embarrassed by Rhinestone. I was even embarrassed by Over the Top and Stop or My Mom will Shoot but I left them off this list. Don't even get me started on Judge Dredd. On the bright side, you'll always have Rocky and Rambo.

19. Stop or My Mom will Shoot - Sorry Sly. I decided that you deserved this. You not only hurt your career; you hurt Estelle Getty's and that really hurts me.

18. The Slugger's Wife - How could I not like a movie about baseball that is filmed in Atlanta about the Braves? Somehow I found a way. This movie was awful.

17. Caddyshack II - I loved the first one. I saw the second one. We'll leave it there.

16. All About Steve - Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper are 2 good actors...just not in this movie. I have nothing more to say.

15. Son of the Mask - More like Son of a Bitch, this movie sucked!

14. Little Nicky - I said I wouldn't call out Adam Sandler movies since I basically grouped them all above but forget it. This movie deserves its own line. I thought I dreamed this movie. I thought "No one would really make this movie, would they?" They did and as usual it was Adam Sandler. Hopefully this one only took 25 minutes to make. I want my money back even though I saw this for free on TBS.

13. Eyes Wide Shut - Was this the name of the movie or what I should have done instead of watching this classic?

12. The Last Action Hero - Arnold, please tell me you were distracted by your marital issues when making this movie. Please!

11. North - I thought I was going to see the Oliver North story. Instead I saw the worst movie ever. Thanks Elijah Wood!

10. Toys - Robin, I removed Flubber from my mind. This will be tougher. What is sad is that I loved "The Toy" with Richard Pryor and sometimes I forget which is which when I see the movie is coming on. I brace myself each time. Please don't be Robin Williams. Please don't be Robin Williams. NOOOOOO!

9. Rocky V - I loved 1-4 and even liked 6. 5 stunk! I did like one line, "Hey Tom-my, I didn't hear no bell." Hopefully he didn't see no reviews.

8. Karate Kid IV - Hilary Swank, I'm glad you won an academy award. I still will never forgive you for single-handedly ruining this franchise. You probably killed Pat Morita...and possibly Beverly Hills 90210 but that's another topic all together.

7. Halloween III: Season of the Witch - I actually liked the fact that...who am I kidding? This sucked. Michael Myers wasn't even in it. I think he knew this was going to be terrible. Trick or treat? TRICK!

6. Earth Girls are Easy - Geena Davis, I liked A League of Their Own. Geena Davis, I hated Earth Girls are Easy. I'll tell you what's easy - panning your movie!

5. The Golden Child - Eddie Murphy was tremendous in Beverly Hills Cop and RAW. And he flushed all of that work away with this stinker!

4. She-Devil - You would think a cast with Meryl Streep could never be on this list. What if I told you that Roseanne Barr was in the movie? Exactly!

3. The Howling II and all of those that followed - I loved The Howling. Then when I tell friends to see it, I tell them to make sure the movie they see does not have a roman numeral next to it because all of those were horrible! FYI, The Howling II is called "Your Sister is a Werewolf." I kid you not. This made Teen Wolf II look like Gone with the Wind.

2. The Grudge II - I didn't like "The Grudge." The Grudge II was 100 times worse. I tried to think of something clever to say but my head hurts when I think about this movie. I will never again see a movie directed by Takashi Shimizu. How's that for a grudge?

1. Battlefield Earth - I saw this movie though I didn't see it in full. I don't think I missed a lot. John Travolta has legal problems but that should not be his priority right now. He should turn his attention to "Battlefield Earth II" and make every single person on death row watch this movie. It will save us so much money because we'll be able to get rid of the electric chair.

I hope you enjoyed the list. Feel free to leave a few of your own. Have fun at the movies!


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