A little humor after a bit of embarrassment

So I had a speech in north Georgia this weekend and I met 3 great individuals who listened to my speech. Two of them had a relative with CF so it was great to hear their input. I sold a few books and donated some too.

Here is the only problem. There were more than 200 people at the overall convention and only 3 came to my speech. I drove 2.5 hours down to this speaking point from Gatlinburg where our family spent the weekend for Labor Day and where Andrea and I got to spend a night out for our 10-year wedding anniversary (thanks Manny for watching the kids). I was pretty frustrated that the turnout for my speech wasn't better and that several people weren't even aware of when and where I was going to speak but instead of getting upset about it, I have decided to turn to humor. Humor is what keeps us healthy both emotionally and physically and it has always worked for me.

I'm not giving out the name of the organization because I don't want to offend these individuals who put this event on. I'm sure overall the weekend went very well and I wish them success now and in the future.

So without further ado, here are my 25 stipulations for future speeches:

25. If my speech does not have enough attendees to fill out a lineup card, it's probably not a good sign.

24. If the number of attendees at my speech is small enough to fit at my kitchen table, it's probably not a good sign.

23. If I can count the number of attendees on one hand, it's probably not a good sign.

22. If when I ask if anyone has any questions and I actually have to say "Neither of you has questions?", it's probably not a good sign.

21. If in the middle of my speech I yell "Sexual Chocolate" and drop my microphone, it's probably not a good sign. (Image enclosed from "Coming to America")

20. If the attendees at my speech could get in my car afterwards to go have a drink, it's probably not a good sign.

19. If I don't need a microphone and in fact could even whisper my talk, it's probably not a good sign.

18. If I've seen more people in line buying groceries at 10 o'clock at night, it's probably not a good sign.

17. If I've written as many books as the number of attendees in the crowd, it's probably not a good sign.

16. If I can count the number of people in my audience by taking a quick glance, it's probably not a good sign.

15. If I thought I was getting a standing ovation but then realized that 1/3 of the audience was just stretching and his name was Larry, it's probably not a good sign.

14. If 1/3 of my audience is booing and I say get "him" out of here, it's probably not a good sign.

13. If I say that two-thirds of the crowd was late and only 2 people were late, it's probably not a good sign.

12. If I knew everyone's name in the audience within 30 seconds, it's probably not a good sign.

11. If I played tennis on the same court with my entire audience and it was referred to as "doubles," it's probably not a good sign.

10. If I go to a restaurant with my audience and the hostess says "Table for 3?", it's probably not a good sign.

9. If the number of hours it takes to get to my speech is close in size to the number of people in the audience, it's probably not a good sign.

8. If I have as many fish tanks at home as people at my speech, it's probably not a good sign.

7. If my son's age is greater than the number of people in my audience and my son is in pre-K, it's probably not a good sign.

6. If I have as many meals in the day as the number of people in my audience, it's probably not a good sign.

5. If there are as many "Back to the Future" movies as people in the audience, it's probably not a good sign.

4. If 2/3 of my audience lives in the same household and they were not part of the Duggar family, it's probably not a good sign.

3. If I add up the number of people at my speech and my calculator spits out "HA HA!", it's probably not a good sign.

2. If the number of people at my speech divided by one is a single-digit number, it's probably not a good sign.

1. And finally, if someone leaves to go to the bathroom and I have to say, we'll just wait till he gets back before I continue, it's probably not a good sign.