Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Top 25 ways to make the Olympics more interesting

It's been a tough few weeks so I decided I would come up with 25 ways to make the Olympics better. I hope this is entertaining and thought-provoking. Feel free to comment with your own ideas.

25. I have been watching the Olympics for a few weeks now and all I can say is why is China so much better at diving than everyone else. Does everyone there have a high dive? In China instead of adult swim, do they have adult diving? It must be something in the water...literally! How about we make it tougher on them? When they dive, people can hold out mirrors like in "Back to School." Maybe they have to do the Triple Lindy to medal.

24. I don't understand some of these sports. Trampoline gymnastics? Really! I'm going to create a combination of 2-sports. Bungy Jumping Archery. You have to bungy-jump and still hit your target before you come all the way down. If you miss, you have to do it again but this time you have to sky-dive.

23. I think we need to introduce a last place medal like when you finish in last in a football pool and you get your money back. Maybe it's a recycled metal and instead of playing your national anthem, they play the movie Glitter and you have to sit through all of it and then applaud Mariah Carey afterwards.

22. I think every gymnast should have to do their floor routine to "Call Me Maybe." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic I just think that would be funny. I think Bob Costas should have to sing it at the end of each telecast like his version of One Shining Moment.

21. I want to introduce a new sport to the Olympics. Tweeting. Whoever gets the most retweets wins. Hey, we're in the computer age, people!

20. I think the 1992 Dream Team should enter the field and see if they can still beat Angola by 100.

19. On TV, it's called the XXX Olympics. If that's the case, I think Ron Jeremy should do the play by play.

18. I want them to mention Destinee Hooker 100 more times for Team USA Women's Volleyball. Every time I hear her name I understand why this is the XXX Olympics.

17. I want to see a team from Antartica play Beach Volleyball. It would be like the Jamaican Bobsled team minus John Candy.

16. I think Michael Phelps is so good that he should have to race against dolphins or better yet he should have to race in a shark tank. So not only is it interesting to see if he might win, but you know it could be really interesting if he cuts himself on the final lap.

15. I think there should be an Olympic Sport for one night stands. Ryan Lochte's mom knows who will get the gold in that one, don't you Mrs. Lochte?

14. I think we should add sky-diving as an Olympic sport. Let's see the Chinese beat us in that diving event too!

13. What happens if you do not have a country like a few of the athletes? So what happens if you win? What do they play? It's got to be Call Me Maybe! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic

12. I think the cannonball should be a legal dive. I think that's the only way the Americans are going to rise to the top.

11. I think China should add another medal for making the uniforms for the USA. Speaking of which, I wonder if the Chinese have "Made in USA" uniforms. Talk about adding salt to the wound.

10. What about having a legends version for older Olympians and adding Shuffleboard, Scrabble and Parcheesi as Olympic sports?

9. Combine the Olympics with Reality Shows. Allow competitors to vote off others, allow them to date each other and have them see if they are smarter than a fifth grader. I could see it now. "LoLo Jones, this is the final rose of the evening."

8. Have Twitter lie about what happened at the Olympics so that people around me can stop telling me the results before I watch the games at night. This only makes the Olympics more interesting to me but I could see where saying "Team Angola beat Team USA" might make others want to watch more, too.

7. Have medals for the best Olympic Athletes names: Destinee Hooker, Yoo Suk Kim, and Hope Solo.

6. I want new reporters instead of the NBC Today Show crew and Ryan Seacrest. Here is my crew: Charlie Sheen, Sarah Palin, Charles Barkley and Destinee Hooker. I just like saying it now.

5. I think every time rival nations face each other the Darth Vader march should play. That would certainly make Iran vs. Iraq more interesting.

4. What about the Electric Slide? Olympic sport or not? I'm just thinking here.

3. Instead of having the Olympics in nice cities like London or Rio, have it in the most war-torn city you can find...let's say Chamblee, Georgia, where there are lots of Destinee Hookers.

2. Every other sport is allowing pros now so how about wrestling. I can see it now. Amateur Steve Smith vs. The Rock!

1. And finally, the best way to make the Olympics more interesting, no more giving out medals to the winners. I want T-shirts that read "I just won at the Olympics and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Made in China of course.

I hope everyone is well and at least laughed at one of these.


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