Friday, September 3, 2010
Is there a God and NINE hours from my life expectancy!
Do you believe in God? I believe there is someone or something that created this earth and other planets but I have to wonder if there is a God, why do some things happen that make absolutely no sense.
For example, my doctor passing away after helping so many people with cystic fibrosis. She had two young boys. My sister only living 16 days before CF took her life. Then there are these serial killers who are in prison who will live into their sixties or seventies. How fair is that?
I didn't believe in God for most of my life. If he or she was real, why was I born with this disease? Why do I have the emotional problems and compulsions that I do? Why would my son have had a stroke at birth?
I hated God for a long time. I hated him because I believed he hated me. I believed I was cursed like I'd done something to piss him off in a past life or he just didn't care much about me when he made me.
Lately my opinion has changed though. I'm in a program where believing in a higher power like God is pivotal. It's made me think about God in a different way...a more positive way. We had a meeting last night and I completed the 7th step the other day. It's my job now to give my problems to God and live my life.
I'm ready to change my views about God. I was never an Atheist nor an Agnostic which I'm not saying is wrong. I just want to be clear that I am Jewish and I have been a practicing Jew but I have always gone into synagogue and read the words. I never emotionally felt them. I think that's going to change. I believe my perspective has changed. I don't want this to sound like I'm religious and you're not. This is not about religion. It's about having faith in something whether you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or whatever. It's about believing in something and not playing God yourself. I played God for a long time and look what good that did me. I'm now going to believe in him and hope he will believe in me. Perhaps though I was just missing all of the things he did for me. Perhaps in all the bad stuff that has happened, I missed the good things in between.
I wasn't supposed to live to see my teens yet here I am. I'm able to make a difference in people's lives with my story and my message. I've found people that get me and get what I deal with. I have 2 beautiful kids and a wonderful wife. I have an awesome sister and such loving parents. I guess there must be a God and his message is that I'll never understand why he does the things he does but I can't question his reasons. I just have to live my life and appreciate what I have. Maybe that's what he's trying to say. Life is unpredictable so take advantage while you're here. We are all very lucky. We have had a chance to live a life. It's a true blessing.
Tomorrow is my 37th birthday, the median life expectancy for someone with this disease. I've been really down about it. I've been thinking about death. It's been a tough few months for me with losing my doctor, dealing with all of my issues and having to worry about my dad. I have not been looking forward to tomorrow until now. I'm looking at my 37th birthday as sort of a finish line. It's the first time I'll be at the expected life expectancy. Every year for a long time the median life expectancy has gone up. When I was born, it was in the teens. When I was in my twenties, it was in the early thirties. Now here I am finally ready to face my life expectancy in just 9 measly hours.
I'm ready to cross the finish line...though I am far from done with this race.
Have a nice holiday weekend.