Friday, September 3, 2010

Is there a God and NINE hours from my life expectancy!

Do you believe in God? I believe there is someone or something that created this earth and other planets but I have to wonder if there is a God, why do some things happen that make absolutely no sense.

For example, my doctor passing away after helping so many people with cystic fibrosis. She had two young boys. My sister only living 16 days before CF took her life. Then there are these serial killers who are in prison who will live into their sixties or seventies. How fair is that?

I didn't believe in God for most of my life. If he or she was real, why was I born with this disease? Why do I have the emotional problems and compulsions that I do? Why would my son have had a stroke at birth?

I hated God for a long time. I hated him because I believed he hated me. I believed I was cursed like I'd done something to piss him off in a past life or he just didn't care much about me when he made me.

Lately my opinion has changed though. I'm in a program where believing in a higher power like God is pivotal. It's made me think about God in a different way...a more positive way. We had a meeting last night and I completed the 7th step the other day. It's my job now to give my problems to God and live my life.

I'm ready to change my views about God. I was never an Atheist nor an Agnostic which I'm not saying is wrong. I just want to be clear that I am Jewish and I have been a practicing Jew but I have always gone into synagogue and read the words. I never emotionally felt them. I think that's going to change. I believe my perspective has changed. I don't want this to sound like I'm religious and you're not. This is not about religion. It's about having faith in something whether you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or whatever. It's about believing in something and not playing God yourself. I played God for a long time and look what good that did me. I'm now going to believe in him and hope he will believe in me. Perhaps though I was just missing all of the things he did for me. Perhaps in all the bad stuff that has happened, I missed the good things in between.

I wasn't supposed to live to see my teens yet here I am. I'm able to make a difference in people's lives with my story and my message. I've found people that get me and get what I deal with. I have 2 beautiful kids and a wonderful wife. I have an awesome sister and such loving parents. I guess there must be a God and his message is that I'll never understand why he does the things he does but I can't question his reasons. I just have to live my life and appreciate what I have. Maybe that's what he's trying to say. Life is unpredictable so take advantage while you're here. We are all very lucky. We have had a chance to live a life. It's a true blessing.

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday, the median life expectancy for someone with this disease. I've been really down about it. I've been thinking about death. It's been a tough few months for me with losing my doctor, dealing with all of my issues and having to worry about my dad. I have not been looking forward to tomorrow until now. I'm looking at my 37th birthday as sort of a finish line. It's the first time I'll be at the expected life expectancy. Every year for a long time the median life expectancy has gone up. When I was born, it was in the teens. When I was in my twenties, it was in the early thirties. Now here I am finally ready to face my life expectancy in just 9 measly hours.

I'm ready to cross the finish line...though I am far from done with this race.

Have a nice holiday weekend.


1 comment:

  1. Andy, My name is Jerry Ray and after reading this, I as well have had kind of the same life as you! I'm now 34 and when I was a kid growing up I went to church . It was just some where I had to go because my mom took us. I also have a younger brother , but he is healthy as a horse! Now that I'm older I know there is a GOD . I'm alive because of him. My faith now is bigger than it has ever been. I've been blessed with loving family and friends also. My CF was mild as a teen , many prayers were said for me growing up. But when I became an adult GOD hit me the hardest. After high school and getting my two-year degree from a tech school, I got married. She was the one girl I wanted to grow old with, and thought I would die with. Her name was Kimberly Parker, we met just two years before in the Texas Children’s Hospital. She also had CF, hers was harder for her to handle along with diabetes. We had five wonderful years together. CF took her on 12-06-2002. I blamed GOD, my self, family, and doctors. My life went on though, dating a year or so after because I was so lonely. I was in love again, just a year later with a friend of Kim’s and mine. Her name was Tysa Long who also had CF. She was there for me when I was lonely. Tysa was married to a guy for just a short time before and he left her. So in a way I wanted to think I was there for her also. We saw each other a lot, going out to eat and parties. I loved her so much and she knew it but she didn’t want to marry me! It was the CF that made her not want to, she knew what was to come. Tysa was taken by CF on 04-18-2005 she was one good friend. After that I just didn't want to be alive. I'd been to more funerals in the last two years than my mother and dad together there whole life. I think it was about 8 one year and 4 the next. All friends and kids I knew with CF. Why was I still here on this earth? GOD has a plan for us all. Later that year I was introduced to a very young girl. Your going to laugh at this, it was at a family reunion and this girl said her head was hurting. Me being the way I am mocked a movie and said" MAYBE ITS A TOUMOR”. Just like that I stuck my foot in my mouth. Her mother said it is!!! Man I felt so small and couldn't get up. Come to find out her mother was going out with my cousin and soon married him. Time went on and so did my life. I talked with this girl now and then when she came back home from her dads’ house. Her name is Brittany Hull and she is whom GOD put in front of me to love for the rest of my life. Brittany is much younger then me, like 14 years younger to tell the truth. When she was 16 her step dad (my cousin), mom and sister moved in with me. I was by self and they needed a place to live. Time passed and we grew much closer, things where put in the way and we both made our way through them. When she was 17 we started going out on dates. Only with GODs help, she was working and I was working part time. We were trying to save money to get married. We were also going to a small church and GOD was showing us both that we were livening wrong by not being married. So on May 16 of 2009 me and Brittany got married by the grace of GOD. To make this short story shorter, GOD is real and I know you and me are proof of that!! GOD BLESS and hope to talk to you more some day. Jerry Wayne Ray Jr.