Friday, April 6, 2012


This blog is to tell you how spoiled I have become. I was humbled 2 decades ago when I moved into the TEP house at the University of Georgia. The place had rats, lofts made of chipping wood and windows that would not open unless you jabbed your hand against the ugly blue painted handles. BUT and I mean BUT, it had the best ice machine on the planet!!! The ice cubes were perfect shapes and would easily dissolve when you chewed them. I seriously joined a fraternity for a device that made solid water. This may sound insane but you had to try the ice. Unfortunately you won't get the chance since the house was knocked down a few years ago. I still go on EBay every now and then to see if the machine is out there. Ah the memories...

Flash back to this weekend. Things have changed. I have a family now and travel for work and vacations. I'm used to staying at hotels with workout facilities, continental breakfasts and computer access. I'm used to hotels with a concierge. I'm used to people at the front desk in suits with professional demeanors. The memories of the raggedy TEP house are slowly fading away.

Thursday night I was reminded of my college days. A buddy of mine from Hawaii came down to see the Masters so I took him. There wasn't a ton of availability so I found a random hotel about a mile away from the event. I was staying in an "inn" that would laugh if I asked for any of the amenities I mentioned in the paragraph above. However I am now a motivational speaker so I tried to find the positives in staying at this Hell hole...I mean cozy abode. So after much thought, I realized that there are things at this locale that you won't get at a lot of hotels. Here is a list of 10 unique features of this lovely establishment.

1. Free bugs swarming around the sink and bathroom mirror. I did check the bed bug website fully expecting to find this luxurious hotel on there but no luck. I did check the bill and we weren't charged for the bugs to escort us around the room. That was sweet.

2. Outlets for my machine in which my plugs won't stay in unless I hold them in myself. It was interesting to say the least. At least the electicity worked. I should not complain.

3. The woman with a dragon tattoo at the front desk who made fun of all of my initial questions. I have not seen the movie nor will I ever now. I asked if we needed a parking pass so we wouldn't get towed since the Masters would be swarmed with people. She laughed, "No hun." Then I saw why she laughed when I saw that 3/4 of the parking spots were empty. That should have been a sign, right? Not for this oblivious patron.

4. A microwave from 1985. I wonder if I set the microwave to 88 seconds if I'd go back to the future. I'm kidding of course. I'm not touching that thing. I'm worried that there may be a Hot Pocket from 1980 stored in there. Ok, I'm a motivational speaker. Think positive. With a microwave in the room, I guess they consider this a kitchen. How nice of them to give us a kitchen. What a great price for a suite!

5. What hotel room isn't complete without its own trash can? This one's complete apparently. There was not a single can. I'm going to assume that's because they like to recycle. It's nice staying in a "green" hotel. Apparently the bath tub is very environmentally friendly because there is a lot of green in there.

6. A sign saying WELCOM TO THE MASTERS. Silent E's are overrated. I think it's great that this place is so laid back that they don't worry about vowels.

7. A pool. Seriously there's a pool. Of course it's 10 feet from the dumpsters. There's a sign that reads "no lifeguards." No Sh*t! There's not even a trash can in the room. Did I think they'd use that money to hire a freakin' lifeguard? I'm being spoiled now. That's great that they have a pool. The water may be cleaner than the shower.

8. A fridge with door scratches covering it (picture enclosed). My meds were in there. Please keep them in your prayers. Sorry the picture is blurry. I believe I began to shake 5 minutes into my entry into the room. Still at least I had a place to keep my meds cold. I have to be grateful. C'mon Andy! Stay positive!

9. The television had DirecTV amazingly but half the buttons didn't work. I know that it must have frustrated Tiger Woods who I'm sure was staying at this luxurious hotel. I looked for him and Mickelson. I figured they may be hanging out at the pool. It was nice that we had so many channels...though we couldn't get to many of them. I'm guessing with Tiger's performance he probably did stay at our wonderful place.

10. I was going to take a shower but I imagined the girl with the dragon tattoo probably had a hole in the wall and would eventually strike me down. Also, the fact that part of the bathroom floor was missing was a sign in my opinion. Still I'm just grateful that I'm alive today.

I harken back now to my college days where I lived 9 months out of the year in a place similar to this: my fraternity house. There was torn up menolium. There were rats in the storage room. There was no gym or continental breakfast, BUT at least there was a stellar ice machine. Gosh, I miss the ice machine.

So I'm going to stay positive. I enjoyed watching the Masters though I'm not a huge golf fan. I got to see Tiger up close, Mickelson and so many others. I got to see the most legendary course on the planet. I was also pleased that I helped my friend see something he'd been dreaming about his whole life.

Ok, I can't take it anymore. I know I'm supposed to be positive but I would have rather stayed in the Bates Motel. I would have rather had Jack Nicholson shouting "Here's Johnny" in the room next to me. I would have rather had Redrum written all over the walls but who would have the guts to touch the walls.

If I'm to rate this hotel, I would give them a rather poor grade. Fortunately there was no comment card...shocking I know. Yes, I'm spoiled now. There's no changing that...speaking of changing, I wonder if the beds have been changed since the late eighties but I digress.

The bright side is that I saw a legendary golf tournament that's been going on since that Hot Pocket was in the microwave...I mean "I HAD A GREAT TIME!"

I hope everyone had a good laugh. I'm home now so I'm going to shower...a lot!


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