Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the 20 things I've learned in May

Here are my top 20 thoughts from this May

20. Dancing with the Stars should be renamed Dancing with the People who are less famous than the Dancers they dance with or as Andrea put it "Dancing with the Stars on the D-List."

19. The Gibb family is the music version of the Kennedys.

18. This is the worst American Idol ever. I have watched very little this season. I've seen more talent on the Surreal Life.

17. How is The Office still on the air? The writing is terrible now.

16. The Hawks should move to Winnipeg with the Thrashers. The Hawks coach said that we would have played better in Game 2 if the Celtics had their all-star point guard available. This was right after we gave our head coach an extension on his deal. If this doesn't tell you why Atlanta fans hate supporting the Hawks, I don't know what will.

15. Watched the Billboard music awards the other night. Did you guys see what Miley Cyrus was wearing? I had 2 totally different thoughts. 1) What was Miley thinking wearing something so slutty? 2) Andy, what has happened to you that you're complaining about slutty clothing?

14. Why is Congress wasting our money by trying Roger Clemens for perjury? Who cares!

13. Brandon Beachy is showing how brilliant we were for bringing him out last year to Wish for Wendy. $37 for an autograph was a heck of a deal! ESPN rated him as the top candidate for the Cy Young Award yesterday. Go Brandon!

12. There is a man in our neighborhood who walks everyday from here to Gold's Gym without a shirt. Andrea though has never actually seen him at Gold's and we've never seen him go into a house. My question is "Are we imagining him?"

11. Israel is putting together an all-Jewish team for the World Baseball Classic. I'm available to be a batboy.

10. Is Spiderman really doing a re-make from a movie done less than a decade ago? Hollywood is officially out of ideas.

9. This preacher is an embarrassment to the human race.,8132375817,815064_1130357_1183_0,1_/xsxdata=1:93317819/bnum=81244917/optn=64?trg=;wi.300;hi.250;ai.266147001;ct.1/01

8. Concussions in football and suicides for retired players are very scary issues. I was very sad to hear about Junior Seau. Depression is a very serious matter.

7. I can now say I've met a winner from Dancing with the Stars. I met Donald Driver on a plane on my way to Biloxi about a decade ago and told him he was on my fantasy team (which he was). Sadly the conversation didn't go much further than that. I did meet Charles Barkley at Benihanna this weekend and talked to him for 2 minutes about sports which doubled my conversation with Driver. So what does that mean? Barkley should win Dancing with the Stars. That's genius, right?

6. Mark Zuckerberg is now in trouble because apparently the big investors knew more than the general public about the value of the stock. Just for that, I'm never seeing The Social Network again!

5. If a tree fell in the forest and there was no one around would Gloria Allred still represent the tree?

4. Canadian actress Holly Deveaux will play Casey Anthony in the Lifetime movie. You know what's really sad about all of this? I'll probably watch the entire movie while of course muting the advertisement "Lifetime: television for women" every time it comes on.

3. What's crazier? Greg Allman is getting married for the 7th time or that the girl is 40 years his junior? I'm sure the girl's parents are very proud. If she was my daughter, I'd throw away all of my "Allman Brothers" CD's. Oh wait, I don't have any but I'd go buy some and then destroy them to give it some effect.

2. Did you know that "The Real World" is still airing new episodes on MTV? I thought this show ended about a decade ago. So you're saying they actually did get my audition tape and didn't want me? Son of a Bitch!

1. Did you read the story about the 911 dispatcher who was snoring on the other end of the phone when a woman was reporting an emergency? If it were me, should I treat it like a call to AT&T? I can hear it right now.

Dispatcher: Sorry sir, didn't mean to fall asleep.
Me: I don't care. Let me talk to your manager.
Dispatcher: Sir, isn't it an emergency?
Me: I don't care if Jason Voorhies is after me. I want to get you fired.
Dispatcher's manger: Sir, I apologize. I fired him. What is your emergency?
Me: I can't mute "Lifetime: Television for Women" on my TV. Help!!!

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