Coping with Tragedy

Joe

"Play ball!"

Those words struck me yesterday as my quarterfinal playoff game started. Those were the words Joe Fontana used prior to the start of every game I'd played since joining Club Sport back in the late nineties.

Yesterday was a difficult day. For those of us who face clinical depression and anxiety, these days happen far too many times to count. Yesterday though I believe was a day that I had a right to be sad. First off, my friend Joe Fontana, an umpire at Club Sport who I'd known for nearly 2 decades, passed away earlier in the week due to a heart attack. Joe volunteered for several years at Wish for Wendy and was always one of the last people to leave the event. I didn't know Joe off the field. I'd seen him out a few times but I knew him usually a few feet behind me calling strikes or a few feet behind me when I was at second base. The guy was sarcastic. That's for sure. He reminded me of my Uncle Bobby because even as sarcastic as he got, you still cared about him and you cared about what he said. The irony was that Joe had asked about my health the last few months because I was coughing more and a lot skinnier. Joe will certainly be missed by all of us that played our games at the Brookhaven Boys and Girls Club. In fact, we had a 30 second moment of silence before our playoff game last night to remember him and to pray for his family. How strange that he died the same year that Dennis Farina died. Farina played the character Joe Fontana on Law & Order for years.



Joe Fontana - a huge Pittsburgh fan - a huge loss to the softball community

Wendy

Yesterday would have been Wendy's 43rd birthday. Though I never met her, I miss her terribly. I know that's probably difficult for most of you to understand. I would trade every $1 of the $1.9 million we raised to have her back on this earth and understand what it's like to have an older sister. While part of me is very sad that she is not here, part of me takes pride in the fact that we have raised a lot of money in her memory to avenge the disease that took her from us more than four decades ago. People always think of me as the first born in my family. The truth is that I was not. I will always be the oldest brother and the oldest cousin but I will never take the title "first born." That was Wendy's title and will always be hers.



Our family's first born

The Sneiderman Case

On Monday, as many of you know, we found out that Andrea Sneiderman's bond request was denied. We were in the courtroom last Thursday and were pretty convinced that she was getting out on bond after listening to Andrea's lawyer Brian Steel. Still it wasn't to be. Hopefully by spring, Andrea will be out on parole. We'll just have to see. I'm not going to go into all of my feelings on this case. I've done so in the past and received lots of hate mail for it. With all of my emotional issues, I don't feel like going further into it would benefit me or anyone else. I will say that me and my family continue to support her and hope that she will be reunited with her family in the near future.

My Issues

A lot of my anxiety and depression surprisingly stem from my days in high school and college. I worried too much about fitting in, having cystic fibrosis and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I believe those were the days that I actually had my mid-life crisis because I didn't expect to see 30 much less 40. Some days I wake up and I don't know how I got here. I didn't expect to have a wife. I never dreamt that I'd have children. I didn't see myself having a 40th birthday party. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that I have all of these things. I'm just surprised that all of these dreams came true. Perhaps I mourn my younger days too often. The truth is that I've learned to use these difficult memories as reasons to try and have fun now...through playing with my children, going out on the town with Andrea or just something as simple as playing softball.

The Silver Lining

The day wasn't all bad yesterday. Avery heard what happened with regards to Joe and wrote me the sweetest note when I got home last night. She's a really caring kid and I couldn't believe she did that without Andrea prompting her to do so.



She made my day.

Taking the Good from the Bad

"Life isn't about breathing. Anyone can do that. Life is about living...and sadly that's a skill that many of us fail to grasp."

That's something I coined several years ago but sometimes I forget to live by those words.

As I prepare for my final softball game of the year tonight (hopefully 2 softball games as a win in our first game means we play for the title a few hours later), I question why some people live long and other people's lives are cut short. Why am I here? Why are people like Joe and Rusty gone? Is there something I'm missing?

I guess the point isn't who is here and who isn't because we all have to go someday. The point is to enjoy every moment with the people we care about most because the memories last a lot longer than any of us will. The point isn't that we were unfortunate to lose this individual. The point was how fortunate each of us was to get to know this person and what a difference he or she made in this world. I guess it's a glass half-empty, half-full sort of thing.

Now as Joe would say with those 2 infamous words that mean as much off the softball field as they do on it..."Play ball!"



And so I will...for the rest of my life.

Andy

Winter is almost here...but that's not going to stop me!

It's been a while since I've written a blog. October and November were crazy as we were in the midst of a move PLUS we had Wish for Wendy which raised about $325K for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. In 14 years, we have now raised approximately $1.9 million. I'm pretty proud of that number because it's going to go a long way towards finding a cure for this disease.



Thanks everyone!

It's always tough for me to blog this time of year as winter (though it's still a week and a half from officially being winter) is a very difficult season for me.

"Why?" you ask.

First off, it is very cold (even in the south) and cold weather affects those of us with cystic fibrosis. My lungs take a beating this time of year and therefore I've had some of my worst pulmonary function results and bacterial infections during December, January and February.

Due mostly to my CF issues, I have experienced major bouts of depression in the winter. I tend to have these moments when I think about being in a dark coffin for eternity and being erased from everyone's minds. There's a part of me who thinks I'm being ridiculous and another part of me that is frightened by those very thoughts and how true they could be.

My sister Wendy died in the winter. Granted, I never met her but it was this season growing up that I could tell was a lot more difficult for my mom to handle. I can't even imagine what she and my dad had to go through.

I also can't stand the time change which means I wake up in the dark and I come home from work in the dark. For someone who loves to play outdoor sports, this is not a pleasant feeling.

Baseball season is over and by now usually all of my sports teams have let me down. This year is no exception. I know that seems silly but the Braves are a very big part of my life. They got me through some really tough times both as a child and an adult. No matter how bad things got, I could always turn on TBS at 7:35pm after an episode of Sanford and Son and there would be Skip and Pete to tell me about the pitching matchups.



Winter despair

To prevent depression from filling my mind with desperate thoughts, I am working my tail off in the gym this year. I started with a trainer a few months ago and can really see a difference. I've put on about 5 pounds of muscle and my cardio has increased drastically. I went from not being able to do the jump rope 50 times to doing 3 sets of 50 and sometimes a couple of sets of 75. I was doing the treadmill at a speed of 4.0 and now I'm up to 7.0. I'm doing two sets of 20 pullups a piece twice a week. I'm doing 10 sets of stairs once a week (up and down) and lifting more weight than I have since college.



Working out = Beating depression

The other day I had my Mr. Myagi moment when Daniel catches the fly with chopsticks. We were at the end of our workout and my trainer laughs when I wanted to try and do dips on the rings. She said one of their trainers who was a gymnast in college has been practicing for weeks and can now do one dip. I said I could try it. Seeing her mouth open in shock was priceless as I did 5.



I caught the fly!

I'm still playing softball for another few weeks as the playoffs are starting. After that, I am not participating in any sports other than taking Ethan to basketball on the weekends. Still I walk the dog most mornings and run on the treadmill every morning prior to doing the jump rope 60 times.

My next doctor's appointment is in February and I don't want to be doing OK. I always worry about doing OK. Not anymore. I am slowly becoming the old fiery Andy. I want to shock the doctors. I want to shock the statistics, the so-called experts and anyone who thinks they know what my lung function should do. I always hear that as I get older my PFTs will decline. My opinion is to be EXCEPTIONAL you have to believe that you can be the exception. I do believe that and I will continue to work my butt off until I prove them all wrong. My lung function is currently around 84%. The doctors want me to be between 82 and 87% in February. I want to be 90%. I know it's not realistic but neither was making it to my 40th birthday and here I am!



That's my goal!

I am trying to look positively as winter arrives. This February my daughter turns 8, my son is in his first basketball league and Andrea and I will soon be at 5,000 days together (It's April 20th for those of you keeping track).

So in summary, my health is vastly improved, my outlook is increasingly positive and I'm ready to shock the world come February.

Seasons greetings to all.

Andy

Health improvement, Wish for Wendy and Moving In

I can officially say I'm on the mend. For the last 2 months, I have been having pulmonary issues thanks to a couple of bacteria in my lungs. Around the time I received the bad news at my early October doctor's appointment, I hired a personal trainer. Lori has been absolutely tearing me apart but I love it.

Some people think you get a personal trainer because you have not been working out and are in bad physical shape. That's not always the case. I'm not in bad shape and I work out 6 days a week but still I needed someone to push me and teach me some new stuff that could help my lungs. I equate working out with a personal trainer to going underwater and telling yourself you need to stay under for 30 seconds. At 30 seconds, you come up when you have no one to push you. A personal trainer is that person who says to stay under for 60 seconds. You don't think you can do it but you end up doing it and you feel great because of it even though you're out of breath at the time you do it.

I'm now jumping rope once and sometimes twice a day 50 to 75 times each. If you remember, the first time I worked out with my personal trainer I was winded just trying to get up to 50. I'm doing abs every other morning. I run for 5 minutes and 30 seconds every morning on the treadmill. I am working out with weights six days a week. I'm going to my trainer twice a week. I'm still playing softball every Monday.

I had my recent doctor's appointment this past Monday and got encouraging news. My lung function was up 5% and therefore I can take a break from antibiotics. That doesn't mean I can be satisfied. I'm still not at my baseline but I'm halfway there. I will continue to train with Lori and get stronger both physically and mentally. Thank you to everyone who asked how I was doing.

Wish for Wendy exhausted me but I was thrilled to see how successful it was. We raised over $315K and our 14 year total is now over $1.9 million. The teams had the best fundraising average in our history so I was proud of all of them for that feat. I am grateful to all of the volunteers, sponsors, donors, committee members, umpires and teams who participated.



Pete Bok's (pictured on the right) team, General Paton's Third Army, won the fundraising title for the third consecutive year! Great job Pete!



This is my team captained by Ira Graiser (Ira is on the far left with the Georgia cap). The Wish for Wendy Warriors finished second in fundraising. Great job guys!



Ethan doesn't realize how fortunate he is to have this camera op...but I do! Thank you Atlanta Falcon Cheerleaders for coming to Wish for Wendy again!



And a picture with Braves pitcher Brandon Beachy, me and Andrea. This kid is the man. Avery was leading her troop of second graders during pictures. Ah, to be 7 and cool again.

I was on Business Radio X on Tuesday talking about the Inspirator Award I received last month. I am still shocked that I won but I am very grateful for the Turknetts for giving me the opportunity to be around such amazing leaders in business and non-profit.



I'm proud to be mentioned with this great class of leaders.

I wanted to send a congratulations to my sister Emily on a successful first season of The New Atlanta. Em was a real fan favorite. I'm very proud of her. Now if we can just get "Jewnicorn" branded.

I wanted to congratulate Andrea on her tennis team making the playoffs. I remember when I was the tennis player in the family. Now I believe I'd finish second. Congrats to Ethan on finishing his soccer and baseball seasons. Basketball is right around the corner. Avery continues her NINE hours of gymnastics each week. I don't know how she does it. Personally I don't know how our floor can take all of the back handsprings when she gets home. We are finally all moved in though we are still going through boxes. We can't wait to have people over at the new house later in the year.

I hope that everyone had a great and safe Halloween.

I'm wish everyone health and happiness.

Andy

That morning in 1999...the beginning of Wish for Wendy

The first Wish for Wendy logo

Dear Friends,

As we approach our 14th Wish for Wendy, I'm reminded of that morning back in 1999 when I woke up, put on a suit and tie and drove down to North Druid Hills in Atlanta. I parked my car and walked in a building I hadn't been in since I was a kid when I used to crouch behind my mom because of my excessive shyness. I was there to see Maureen Fraser, the Director of the CF Foundation of Georgia.

As I walked in, I didn't know what to call her. As a kid, I knew her as Ms. Fraser. I was an adult now so I figured a first name was fine.

"Maureen," I said, "I have an idea for a fundraiser. I want to raise money for cystic fibrosis in memory of my sister."

I could see Maureen looking at me. I was a 26 year old who had no idea what he was about to get into. Maybe she didn't see that though. Maybe she saw a younger version of my mother.

My mom had started the Santa Claus House decades ago to benefit the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Imagine a Jewish woman working on an event with Santa Claus in the title. She did an amazing job though. My mom told me the story of how she was driving down West Paces Ferry and saw renowned singer Isaac Hayes running in a jogging suit with his entourage. She stopped and asked if he would help with their charity event. Most people would be reluctant to try but my mom was not afraid of the word "no." Soon after, a few large men came in the morning of the Santa Claus House event and brought autographed memorabilia generously donated by Mr. Hayes. That's when I learned to never fear the word "no." Because of that story, we have raised nearly $2 million today. Thanks Mom!

Maureen asked me how I was going to go about raising money. All I knew was I had the motivation in my sister. I had the resources in my family and knowing so many people through softball. What I had no idea was how to find sponsors. Still I had a few great friends who helped me to create the event and even more friends who volunteered the day of the event. I'll never forget our first volunteer umpire Joe shouting "Play ball!" as the event started nearly a decade and a half ago. We raised close to $30,000 that first year. I honestly thought it was going to be a one-time thing but as we were leaving to go home that night in October of 2000, one of the players said something that turned the event from a one-time money-maker to a 14-year philanthropic giant.

"Can't wait till next year!"

Every year following the first shout of "Play ball!" and the close of the event, I think about hanging it up. I really do. Each year I grow a few more gray hairs, something that was considered impossible for a CF patient to ever have when I was a kid. I focus on other joys in life but I can't give up on this event. Not only is it fun but it funds a cause that myself and my family are dedicated to. I lost my sister to cystic fibrosis. My children are carriers of this disease. I have CF. Wish for Wendy is kind of like my baby. It will never be as big a priority as my wife and children but it will always mean a lot to me.



It's hard to believe that I've given this speech for 14 years.

I know a lot of people who are fighting every day to beat cystic fibrosis. Just in the last few months, I have known several people who have lost the battle to this disease including Ana Stenzel who I wrote a blog entry about. Ana, ironically, didn't die from cystic fibrosis but a symptom of it as you'll see from the entry.

I continue to battle CF and my numbers, sadly, have gone down the last few weeks. I am working my tail off to get them back up but I will be at the doctor the Monday after Wish to see if I need to go on IVs. Regardless I will continue to fight and fundraise and I will be playing again on the Wish for Wendy Warriors. I don't just intend to go out there and go through the motions. I plan to get a few hits while I'm out there and maybe a diving catch or two.




Put me in coach!


Wish for Wendy has played a significant role in my life. It was the event that brought me closer to my sister, a person who I never got to meet but I'm sure is at the event every year judging by the amazing weather we have. It brought me in touch with so many amazing people and for that I am truly blessed. One day, I hope it will also help to bring us a cure for this devastating disease.

I will see all of you on Saturday as we make A Wish for Wendy come true for the 14th time!

Play ball!

Andy

Goodbye Ana Stenzel

A person like Ana Stenzel comes around once in a lifetime. I have enclosed her obituary. She lived an amazing life despite so many obstacles. Last year she allowed me to use her picture for our Wish for Wendy program. Ana, you will be missed but your legacy will live on. Thank you for being a role model in the fight against cystic fibrosis.

Andy

http://m.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Anabel-Stenzel-organ-transplant-advocate-dies-4861166.php?utm_source=Copy+of+Remembering+Ana+%2810%2F22%2F2013%29&utm_campaign=Remembering+Ana+%2810%2F22%2F13%29&utm_medium=email

My numbers may be down but my outlook on life is far from it...

"Andy, your numbers are down. What's going on?"

Those eight words bring up so much anguish.

Those were the exact words spoken by my doctor this past Friday.

I didn't know what to say when the doctor asked me that question. "What's going on?"



I hate the CF cough!

When I was younger, I knew what it was. I was lax in taking my meds. I wasn't getting enough exercise. I wasn't doing my treatments everyday. I could just say "Ready or not, here I come!" and I'd be back on my feet as long as I was complying with my doctor's plan. It was that simple.

It's not that easy anymore and it has nothing to do with me not complying.

It's age.

I'm 40. CF is coming for me. I know it. My doctors know it. My body knows it. That means I have to work that much harder to beat it. I caught a virus over a month ago and I can't seem to shake it. My numbers are down 8% and if this continues I'll be on IV meds right after Wish for Wendy. This comes at a tough time because we're in the midst of moving.

CF is winning right now but unlike the past I won't let depression get to me. I will prevail.

I know that I have to take a stand and fight this and so I began last Thursday (one day prior to my doctor's appointment) as I knew my appointment was not going to be very positive. I started by hiring a personal trainer. Jumping rope nearly killed me. I was coughing up a storm. I had to stop 25 minutes into a 40 minute workout. I know that if I keep working, I'll get there. I'm doing a few other things to get better. I'm eating a little more to get my weight up. When fighting an infection with cystic fibrosis, it's important to have some weight behind you. Can you say "Hello Gummy Bears?" Ok, maybe not that extreme but I am grabbing smoothies after every workout session and eating more snacks during the work day (mostly gluten-free).



Nah!

I'm delegating many of my responsibilities for Wish for Wendy to the CF Foundation. I used to hate delegating. Now I'm giving myself no choice. I'm fortunate to be working with Linda Murphy who does a great job there. I'm also making sure that I keep to a strict regimin by doubling up on Pulmozyme, making sure to take all of my antibiotics on time and keeping in good shape by walking Magic everyday and working out to the best of my ability. I'm very fortunate to have Andrea who has taken the bull by the horns with everything around the house and who is amazing with the kids. I love her so much. Thanks honey for all you do.

It's difficult coughing and seeing people around me notice. Andrea asks if I'm ok. My trainer is concerned and is worried about pushing me. My mom and dad are constantly checking on me and telling me to rest. The thing is I can't lay in my bed and just accept the fact that I'm sick. I need normalcy. Of course, I also have a sister who is a reality TV star so I'm not sure I even know what normalcy is anymore.

I need to live my life. People who don't have terminal illnesses don't get that. When I get sick, I don't stop exercising, I certainly don't lay in bed and I don't call in sick to work. I do the opposite. I work out harder. I constantly think of ways to get better. I never want to say that I could have done something to get better and didn't. I have to be mentally strong when battling a physical issue. In the past, I would have collapsed onto my bed, pulled the covers over my face and hoped that life would just end. I can't do that anymore. I have too much responsibility. I have Andrea, Avery and Ethan and I cannot and will not let them down.



I will not let these three down!

I wish I could just repeat those words from my youth, "Ready or not, here I come!" It's just not that easy. Not anymore.

The doctor e-mailed me Tuesday with my culture results which is always scary. Imagine waiting to hear if you are really sick or worse, need to be hospitalized. That's what it's like waiting to hear if I have pseudomonas or some type of bacteria that is not antibiotic-sensitive. The bright side is that both bacteria that I cultured are sensitive so I'm on two more oral antibiotics. The good thing is that I finished a previous antibiotic and just finished my 28 days of TOBI. Just call me CVS.

I'm trying to deal with all of this while dealing with a move, running Wish for Wendy, captaining my softball team, working a full-time job, being a dad and being a husband. The latter two are my top priorities. I have to be healthy for my family. I'm not asking for pity. I chose all of these roles and to be honest I enjoy them all. It just sucks when CF rears its ugly head and I'm forced to make changes.

I am starting to see mild improvement. My cough is slightly better. I do feel a little bit more energy. I'm able to get through my workouts with my trainer without being too winded. Things are moving in the right direction and I will make sure that they continue to do so.

My plan is to be 80 to 90% by Wish for Wendy which is in another 10 days or so and I'd like to play for my team in the tournament. I've been down and out for more than a month now so I realize that my goal to be relatively healthy in a third of that time is pretty unrealistic. Doctors would probably be a bit skeptical. Of course, if I believed in medical books and doctor's predictions, I would have died years ago...

But I'm still here!

After much thought, I now have a response for those words "Andy, your numbers are down. What's going on?"

A comeback! That's what's going on. Cystic fibrosis is going down! Ready or not, here I come!



Maybe it is that easy.

Andy

Atlanta sports rears its ugly head again

I knew it!

They tried to reel me in but I didn't fall for it. The Braves lost in 4 games. The Falcons are now 1-4 and lost arguably their best player for the year. The Atlanta Dream was swept in the finals. All of this in ONE WEEK!!!

I don't want to hear it anymore from Cubs fans because they have the Bears, Blackhawks and Bulls.

I don't want to hear from Boston fans. They have their titles now.

The only fans I simpathize with are Cleveland, Philadelphia, Buffalo and San Diego fans. They get it.

This sucks.

Now here is my fool-proof plan to fix the Braves so they can get back to October and barely miss winning a title again.

1) Get B.J. Upton some help. Hire a hitting coach to work exclusively with him this offseason. Get him to a sports psychologist as well. It helped John Smoltz.

2) Let Brian McCann go. I love the guy but you can't give a guy a 5 to 6 year deal when he is almost 30 and plays catcher. Gattis and Bettancourt will be the catchers next year.

3) Bye Bye Uggla. You have 2 years left on his deal. Call the Dodgers and see if they'll split it with you. Call the Yankees if Cano goes somewhere else. He is just not good for the team anymore. He has gotten worse and worse the last few years. A change of scenery will help him and the team. Bring up LaStella. He is killing it in winter ball and is an OPS machine.

4) Fire Fredi Gonzalez. I like Fredi. He seems like a good guy but his decisions for the most part are awful. Starting Garcia in Game 4 was terrible. He was lucky he pitched as well as he did. Not bringing Kimbrel in for a 6-out save with your season on the line was just not smart. We need a manager who is familiar with sabremetrics and also can work a bullpen. No one should be out-strategized by Don Mattingly. No one! I can't tell you who my choices would be right now but I would look at organizations like Oakland and Boston and see who they have in their system.

5) Sign the following guys to long term deals NOW: Kimbrel, Simmons, Heyward and Freeman. TB is very good at doing deals like this.

6) Trade for David Price. If you have to lose Lucas Sims, so be it. Imagine a rotation of Price, Medlen, Minor, Teheran and Beachy. That's pretty sick. I think Beachy will be 100% next year. I would not re-sign Hudson.

7) Go get some arms for the pen. You have Kimbrel but Walden is always hurt. Venters won't be back till May. O'Flaherty is a free agent. I like Carpenter but he shouldn't be the setup guy. Go find a great lefty arm. Wood may end up being that guy if we don't trade him.

There you go! Now it's time the Hawks season to begin. Someone put me out of my misery.

Andy