I interviewed my kids about cystic fibrosis. See what they said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34FpWtkx91I
How my kids view CF. It's not as scary an issue as some may think...at least to my little ones.
andy
Monday, September 10, 2012
Top 10 misconceptions about those of us with CF
Here are the Top 10 things you might not know about someone with CF (Humorous):
10. When people play tennis, they develop tennis elbow. We people with CF develop CF Shoulder. That's the pain we get in our shoulder from traveling with our 25 pound therapy machine. I actually develop scratches from it. I don't know if it really affects my tennis game as much as tennis elbow.
9. When you have CF and you travel, you are immediately linked to terrorism. I say that because your machine is checked at security for no less than 10 minutes. People look at you funny like "How could you?," "I hope he's not getting on my plane," and "They got you, you bastard!" We look at you saying, "It's just to help me breathe! Geez!"
8. When you finish doing your vest, people may think you're being abused. I have marks all over my body because of how the vest grabs tightly around me. It looks like I've been caned.
7. Those of us with CF have a bulge in our pockets a lot of times. It's not because we're happy to see you. It's because we have a pill bottle. We might be happy to see you but please know the bulge is just coincidence.
6. If you see smoke coming from our room, please don't assume that we are smoking a couple of packs a day or even that we're "pot heads." That's just our aerosols. It looks even stranger when we're driving.
5. When you see an adult in a children's hospital by himself, don't think the worst of that person. It may just be that there is not an adult CF center available to us as for many years we were only able to go to children's hospitals to see a doctor who specializes in CF. Now if Chris Hanson confronts us, that's another story altogether.
4. If you hear from a hospital room, "Blow, blow, blow, come on, blow! Take it all in!", get your mind out of the gutter. We're doing our pulmonary function tests.
3. If you see us going to the bathroom and then coming out 30 seconds later, I promise that we are not having bladder issues and that we are washing our hands. It's just that we're not really using the bathroom. We're spitting phlegm into the toilets. Not that that's any more pleasant.
2. If you hear us talking about how much we enjoy our vests because when we were little our parents hit us all the time, don't call DFCS. Our parents had to do postural drainage on our backs, sides and fronts to loosen the phlegm in our lungs. Now that the vest is available, we don't need our parents' assistance anymore.
1. And finally, if there's a sign on our door that says, "When the room's a rockin', don't come a knockin!", don't get the wrong idea. We are just doing our therapy.
I hope you guys enjoyed this.
Andy
10. When people play tennis, they develop tennis elbow. We people with CF develop CF Shoulder. That's the pain we get in our shoulder from traveling with our 25 pound therapy machine. I actually develop scratches from it. I don't know if it really affects my tennis game as much as tennis elbow.
9. When you have CF and you travel, you are immediately linked to terrorism. I say that because your machine is checked at security for no less than 10 minutes. People look at you funny like "How could you?," "I hope he's not getting on my plane," and "They got you, you bastard!" We look at you saying, "It's just to help me breathe! Geez!"
8. When you finish doing your vest, people may think you're being abused. I have marks all over my body because of how the vest grabs tightly around me. It looks like I've been caned.
7. Those of us with CF have a bulge in our pockets a lot of times. It's not because we're happy to see you. It's because we have a pill bottle. We might be happy to see you but please know the bulge is just coincidence.
6. If you see smoke coming from our room, please don't assume that we are smoking a couple of packs a day or even that we're "pot heads." That's just our aerosols. It looks even stranger when we're driving.
5. When you see an adult in a children's hospital by himself, don't think the worst of that person. It may just be that there is not an adult CF center available to us as for many years we were only able to go to children's hospitals to see a doctor who specializes in CF. Now if Chris Hanson confronts us, that's another story altogether.
4. If you hear from a hospital room, "Blow, blow, blow, come on, blow! Take it all in!", get your mind out of the gutter. We're doing our pulmonary function tests.
3. If you see us going to the bathroom and then coming out 30 seconds later, I promise that we are not having bladder issues and that we are washing our hands. It's just that we're not really using the bathroom. We're spitting phlegm into the toilets. Not that that's any more pleasant.
2. If you hear us talking about how much we enjoy our vests because when we were little our parents hit us all the time, don't call DFCS. Our parents had to do postural drainage on our backs, sides and fronts to loosen the phlegm in our lungs. Now that the vest is available, we don't need our parents' assistance anymore.
1. And finally, if there's a sign on our door that says, "When the room's a rockin', don't come a knockin!", don't get the wrong idea. We are just doing our therapy.
I hope you guys enjoyed this.
Andy
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
How you know when your office mates might need a boot camp?
How do you you know when your office mates might need a boot camp to get in better shape?
How about this? It's your birthday and instead of blowing up balloons and throwing them in your office, the person who bought them tells you that it's too tough to blow them up so here was the result. I thought I was the one with the lung disease! HA HA!
Either way, it's great to be 39!
Thanks DiversiTech for a great cake, great friends and great fun.
Oh, and my cake was a joke on the fact that I speak a lot and have met celebrities through our foundation. It was a take on Anchorman. It read:
"I'm kind of a big deal around here."
Thanks Andrea for taking me to the Braves game on my birthday. We had a great time. Thanks to Andrea, my parents and Emily for taking me out on my birthday the night before. Thanks to everyone who called, texted or e-mailed me a Happy Birthday. It meant a lot. I can't believe that I'll be 40 in 364 days.
Andy
How about this? It's your birthday and instead of blowing up balloons and throwing them in your office, the person who bought them tells you that it's too tough to blow them up so here was the result. I thought I was the one with the lung disease! HA HA!
Either way, it's great to be 39!
Thanks DiversiTech for a great cake, great friends and great fun.
Oh, and my cake was a joke on the fact that I speak a lot and have met celebrities through our foundation. It was a take on Anchorman. It read:
"I'm kind of a big deal around here."
Thanks Andrea for taking me to the Braves game on my birthday. We had a great time. Thanks to Andrea, my parents and Emily for taking me out on my birthday the night before. Thanks to everyone who called, texted or e-mailed me a Happy Birthday. It meant a lot. I can't believe that I'll be 40 in 364 days.
Andy
What is it like to have cystic fibrosis? A message on my 39th birthday
Many of you ask me about my health and what it's like to have CF. I wanted to give it a shot and explain it. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer.
Before I begin, there are worse things in this world than having cystic fibrosis. I also want to be clear that I am lucky compared to most people with CF. There are many people with far worse symptoms and who deal with quarterly hospital visits. I've been more fortunate. This is not a pity party. I have been truly fortunate in my life and I want you, the reader, to be aware of that before you go any further.
Also, I just had my most recent appointment (Friday August 31st). Some of my numbers were down and others were up. My doctor said she could basically tell that as a whole I am quite a big stronger. I also had my annual blood tests (picture enclosed). I had to give 12 vials of blood at 9am and then another vial of blood at 11am. I could not eat from midnight the night before until I had my last vial taken at 11am. I also had to drink an orange drink that tasted like a very sugary Sunkist. It was not pleasant.
Still I was satisfied with the results but not ecstatic. I always expect better. Like most people, I'm my worst critic.
Having cystic fibrosis (CF) is in a word, different. Every morning I wake up and have to do 40 minutes of treatments which include my vest and two aerosol treatments. I do them anytime between 5:30am and 6:30am. Following my treatments, I usually work out for 30 to 40 minutes and then I either do my TOBI treatment which lasts 40 minutes or I get ready for work and do my TOBI treatment in the car with my portable machine (I call myself the superhero known as "THE NEBULIZER DRIVER"). Prior to my TOBI treatment, I go through my pills and pick out 12 pills for the day (13 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays when I take Zithromax which is an antibiotic) plus my 20 to 25 pills for pancreatic digestion. I have to make sure I bring my pill bottle with me to work or anywhere I go every day or I have to go back home and get it. It's not like CVS or Walgreens carries the pills I take. I get them from an on-line pharmacy. Every day before I leave for work, I make sure I grab my wallet, my cell phone, my keys and most importantly, my pill bottle.
At night, I have to do the same treatments except I don't have to do my Pulmozyme aerosol unless I'm sick. During the day, my mind can be consumed with when I'll find the time to do my night time treatments yet still get time with my kids and wife and yet still not go to bed near midnight. It's tough to balance sometimes. When my kids go to bed, I want that time to spend with my wife. The latest I usually do my treatments is around 9:30pm. I find myself watching TV, answering e-mails, writing my newest blog or playing X-Box during my treatments.
Traveling with CF is in a word, time-consuming. I have to pack about 40 pills for each day that I'm gone plus I bring an extra day of pills in case there is bad weather or something comes up where I cannot make it home at the expected date. I also bring 3 to 5 nebulizers per day depending on if I'm on TOBI that month or not. I also have to bring my vest therapy machine, my aerosol machine, my inhaler and all of my sinus meds. So for a 7-day trip when I'm on TOBI, that's 40 nebulizers (including the extra day just in case), 320 pills and all of my nasals meds, aerosol meds and machinery. Yes, I still have to bring clothes though I would probably be have the most luggage at a nudist colony.
The emotional difficulties of having CF are many. I worry about each doctor's appointment. What am I going to tell my family if the results are poor? How am I going to cope? Will I have to spend more time doing IV's or extensive treatments? What's the newest antibiotic and where will it fit in my 40-pill rotation?
The emotional difficulties with traveling are there too. What if I forget a certain medication? What if my therapy machine stops working (it's happened before)? What if I get sick? Where is the nearest hospital?
It's also difficult knowing that since the day I was born that I have had a very low median life expectancy compared to the people around me. When I was born, my median life expectancy was 12 years. So that means my mid-life crisis would be around the age I was learning to ride a bike. That means I was considered elderly in grammar school. Sadly, it signifies that I would die just as I was entering high school. That just seems crazy to me.
When I was dating, CF was tough to hide. Every night before a big date, I used to do my therapy early and hide my machine in case the girl came home with me. Every night I had to take my pills by hiding them in my hands and swallowing them when she would go to the bathroom or order her food. With every relationship came the big CF talk which I never looked forward to bringing up. Fortunately, I ended up with my soulmate, Andrea, who accepted me for me and not the guy with a lung disease and poor sense of humor. I added the poor sense of humor part but I don't think Andrea would disagree nor would any of my other friends or family for that matter.
Now as a parent, CF provides a whole new worry for me. What happens if my kids get into my pills? Andrea was smart enough to create a lock box that they can't get in. Still sometimes I leave my bottle out unintentionally yet Avery and Ethan understand everything about my meds. In fact, when Ethan sees my pill bottle out, he grabs it and gives it to me. He's only four.
What will my kids do if I don't make it to see them graduate, go to college or get married? I worry about this but it doesn't usually hit me unless I'm at a doctor's appointment or I'm feeling really under the weather.
How much time do I have to make a difference in their lives? I am 39 so I have passed the current median life expectancy of 37 so I like to look at life as if every day I have is icing on the cake. I was not supposed to be here. Still every day is an opportunity to make a difference in my kids' lives.
How do I explain to them about the disease that daddy fights everyday? That's a tough one but I have explained a little to my kids. I think they get it to an extent. My daughter is 6 going on 35 so she may get it better than many people my own age.
CF is also difficult financially. I am fortunate to have great insurance but the price of my machine is the equivalent of buying a car. My meds cost thousands of dollars a year. Between sputum cultures, pulmonary function tests and bone density tests, I spend several thousand dollars annually. Andrea and I spent several thousand dollars on each of our In Vitro Fertilization attempts in order to have our children. I am also fortunate to have a full-time job and make money that way. Most people with CF do not have the strength to have full-time jobs which makes the financial constraints an even greater burden.
I go to a psychologist and a psychiatrist for my anxiety and depression. I believe that I experience these two components because as a child I had to grow up very fast. I didn't go to the doctor and think about getting a lollipop or a sticker. I had to worry about sputum cultures and chest X-rays.
What's it like to have CF? Challenging. First off, CF affects my lungs. Some days it's like breathing through a coffee straw. Many CF patients end up getting lung transplants. I'm hoping to avoid it by working out every day but I know that doesn't mean my lungs won't get worse. CF also affects my digestion. I'm constantly taking pills to aid with this issue. CF affects my reproductive system. My wife and I had to go through In Vitro fertilization because of me (98% of CF males are infertile including myself). Having CF means I also have very smelly stools. I sweat excessively though my dog Magic loves to lick the salt off of my arms and legs. I am more prone to getting colds and having them last longer. I have a better chance of having colon cancer. I can get CFRD (Cystic fibrosis related diabetes). I have a better chance at getting osteoporosis which requires annual bone density tests. I already have osteopenia which is the step before it. I have a hiatal hernia and acid reflux. Also, having CF, means it is very difficult to gain weight. I take supplements to gain weight though I don't take them as much anymore as I am at a healthy weight right now. Most CF patients have extreme difficulty keeping their weight up. Thanks to all of these problems, I also deal with the emotional issues I mentioned above - anxiety and depression.
Having cystic fibrosis is not a walk in the park but I repeat that there are worse things in this world. I am fortunate for many reasons. I have a family that can financially support my issues and who loves me very much. I live in a country that I have the ability to get many of my meds through an on-line pharmacy through my wife's amazing insurance. I have very supportive friends who look out for me.
I wonder quite often how I would adjust if CF is one day cured. These are some of the questions I'd have.
What would it be like not to have to take a pill bottle everywhere I went? For as long as I remember, I've carried a pill bottle with me.
What is it like not having to worry about getting germs from other people at all times? I feel sometimes like the boy in the bubble. When someone sneezes, it's like I'm in the movie "Outbreak" and have to run away.
What is it like not having to plan my days around my treatments? I'd be more than willing to do more household chores in exchange. Andrea, stop smiling.
What is it like during a storm not having to worry if the power goes out that I will have to stay up until the power is back on or go to someone else's house so I can finally do my treatments? I'd rather worry about finding a flashlight or having to deal with the A/C going out like most people who lose their electricity.
What is it like to have every doctor's appointment not be a big deal? I feel like each quarterly appointment is make or break. It's stressful. I've heard that most people have annual appointments only. That would be so nice.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to this. If you have cystic fibrosis, I hope it made you feel better that someone else empathizes with you and what you go through. If you don't, please know that I'm not saying that what you deal with on a daily basis is any easier; it's just different.
One funny CF-related joke I was just thinking about. One time my buddies and I were talking back in the day when we were single and we asked each other what 3 things we would wish for if we were stuck on a deserted island. I don't remember the specifics exactly but it went sort of like this.
One guy said "Britney Spears, a 6-pack of beer and a big screen TV."
Another guy said "Jessica Alba, a keg of Miller Lite and a lifetime subscription to Playboy."
My answer was simple.
"My therapy machine, a lifetime supply of meds, a working generator so that my machine would always work...and Britney Spears."
They were generous enough to give me the option for a fourth thing!
What's it like having cystic fibrosis?
DIFFERENT!
I hope all of you are living your dreams and loving your life.
Andy
Before I begin, there are worse things in this world than having cystic fibrosis. I also want to be clear that I am lucky compared to most people with CF. There are many people with far worse symptoms and who deal with quarterly hospital visits. I've been more fortunate. This is not a pity party. I have been truly fortunate in my life and I want you, the reader, to be aware of that before you go any further.
Also, I just had my most recent appointment (Friday August 31st). Some of my numbers were down and others were up. My doctor said she could basically tell that as a whole I am quite a big stronger. I also had my annual blood tests (picture enclosed). I had to give 12 vials of blood at 9am and then another vial of blood at 11am. I could not eat from midnight the night before until I had my last vial taken at 11am. I also had to drink an orange drink that tasted like a very sugary Sunkist. It was not pleasant.
Still I was satisfied with the results but not ecstatic. I always expect better. Like most people, I'm my worst critic.
Having cystic fibrosis (CF) is in a word, different. Every morning I wake up and have to do 40 minutes of treatments which include my vest and two aerosol treatments. I do them anytime between 5:30am and 6:30am. Following my treatments, I usually work out for 30 to 40 minutes and then I either do my TOBI treatment which lasts 40 minutes or I get ready for work and do my TOBI treatment in the car with my portable machine (I call myself the superhero known as "THE NEBULIZER DRIVER"). Prior to my TOBI treatment, I go through my pills and pick out 12 pills for the day (13 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays when I take Zithromax which is an antibiotic) plus my 20 to 25 pills for pancreatic digestion. I have to make sure I bring my pill bottle with me to work or anywhere I go every day or I have to go back home and get it. It's not like CVS or Walgreens carries the pills I take. I get them from an on-line pharmacy. Every day before I leave for work, I make sure I grab my wallet, my cell phone, my keys and most importantly, my pill bottle.
At night, I have to do the same treatments except I don't have to do my Pulmozyme aerosol unless I'm sick. During the day, my mind can be consumed with when I'll find the time to do my night time treatments yet still get time with my kids and wife and yet still not go to bed near midnight. It's tough to balance sometimes. When my kids go to bed, I want that time to spend with my wife. The latest I usually do my treatments is around 9:30pm. I find myself watching TV, answering e-mails, writing my newest blog or playing X-Box during my treatments.
Traveling with CF is in a word, time-consuming. I have to pack about 40 pills for each day that I'm gone plus I bring an extra day of pills in case there is bad weather or something comes up where I cannot make it home at the expected date. I also bring 3 to 5 nebulizers per day depending on if I'm on TOBI that month or not. I also have to bring my vest therapy machine, my aerosol machine, my inhaler and all of my sinus meds. So for a 7-day trip when I'm on TOBI, that's 40 nebulizers (including the extra day just in case), 320 pills and all of my nasals meds, aerosol meds and machinery. Yes, I still have to bring clothes though I would probably be have the most luggage at a nudist colony.
The emotional difficulties of having CF are many. I worry about each doctor's appointment. What am I going to tell my family if the results are poor? How am I going to cope? Will I have to spend more time doing IV's or extensive treatments? What's the newest antibiotic and where will it fit in my 40-pill rotation?
The emotional difficulties with traveling are there too. What if I forget a certain medication? What if my therapy machine stops working (it's happened before)? What if I get sick? Where is the nearest hospital?
It's also difficult knowing that since the day I was born that I have had a very low median life expectancy compared to the people around me. When I was born, my median life expectancy was 12 years. So that means my mid-life crisis would be around the age I was learning to ride a bike. That means I was considered elderly in grammar school. Sadly, it signifies that I would die just as I was entering high school. That just seems crazy to me.
When I was dating, CF was tough to hide. Every night before a big date, I used to do my therapy early and hide my machine in case the girl came home with me. Every night I had to take my pills by hiding them in my hands and swallowing them when she would go to the bathroom or order her food. With every relationship came the big CF talk which I never looked forward to bringing up. Fortunately, I ended up with my soulmate, Andrea, who accepted me for me and not the guy with a lung disease and poor sense of humor. I added the poor sense of humor part but I don't think Andrea would disagree nor would any of my other friends or family for that matter.
Now as a parent, CF provides a whole new worry for me. What happens if my kids get into my pills? Andrea was smart enough to create a lock box that they can't get in. Still sometimes I leave my bottle out unintentionally yet Avery and Ethan understand everything about my meds. In fact, when Ethan sees my pill bottle out, he grabs it and gives it to me. He's only four.
What will my kids do if I don't make it to see them graduate, go to college or get married? I worry about this but it doesn't usually hit me unless I'm at a doctor's appointment or I'm feeling really under the weather.
How much time do I have to make a difference in their lives? I am 39 so I have passed the current median life expectancy of 37 so I like to look at life as if every day I have is icing on the cake. I was not supposed to be here. Still every day is an opportunity to make a difference in my kids' lives.
How do I explain to them about the disease that daddy fights everyday? That's a tough one but I have explained a little to my kids. I think they get it to an extent. My daughter is 6 going on 35 so she may get it better than many people my own age.
CF is also difficult financially. I am fortunate to have great insurance but the price of my machine is the equivalent of buying a car. My meds cost thousands of dollars a year. Between sputum cultures, pulmonary function tests and bone density tests, I spend several thousand dollars annually. Andrea and I spent several thousand dollars on each of our In Vitro Fertilization attempts in order to have our children. I am also fortunate to have a full-time job and make money that way. Most people with CF do not have the strength to have full-time jobs which makes the financial constraints an even greater burden.
I go to a psychologist and a psychiatrist for my anxiety and depression. I believe that I experience these two components because as a child I had to grow up very fast. I didn't go to the doctor and think about getting a lollipop or a sticker. I had to worry about sputum cultures and chest X-rays.
What's it like to have CF? Challenging. First off, CF affects my lungs. Some days it's like breathing through a coffee straw. Many CF patients end up getting lung transplants. I'm hoping to avoid it by working out every day but I know that doesn't mean my lungs won't get worse. CF also affects my digestion. I'm constantly taking pills to aid with this issue. CF affects my reproductive system. My wife and I had to go through In Vitro fertilization because of me (98% of CF males are infertile including myself). Having CF means I also have very smelly stools. I sweat excessively though my dog Magic loves to lick the salt off of my arms and legs. I am more prone to getting colds and having them last longer. I have a better chance of having colon cancer. I can get CFRD (Cystic fibrosis related diabetes). I have a better chance at getting osteoporosis which requires annual bone density tests. I already have osteopenia which is the step before it. I have a hiatal hernia and acid reflux. Also, having CF, means it is very difficult to gain weight. I take supplements to gain weight though I don't take them as much anymore as I am at a healthy weight right now. Most CF patients have extreme difficulty keeping their weight up. Thanks to all of these problems, I also deal with the emotional issues I mentioned above - anxiety and depression.
Having cystic fibrosis is not a walk in the park but I repeat that there are worse things in this world. I am fortunate for many reasons. I have a family that can financially support my issues and who loves me very much. I live in a country that I have the ability to get many of my meds through an on-line pharmacy through my wife's amazing insurance. I have very supportive friends who look out for me.
I wonder quite often how I would adjust if CF is one day cured. These are some of the questions I'd have.
What would it be like not to have to take a pill bottle everywhere I went? For as long as I remember, I've carried a pill bottle with me.
What is it like not having to worry about getting germs from other people at all times? I feel sometimes like the boy in the bubble. When someone sneezes, it's like I'm in the movie "Outbreak" and have to run away.
What is it like not having to plan my days around my treatments? I'd be more than willing to do more household chores in exchange. Andrea, stop smiling.
What is it like during a storm not having to worry if the power goes out that I will have to stay up until the power is back on or go to someone else's house so I can finally do my treatments? I'd rather worry about finding a flashlight or having to deal with the A/C going out like most people who lose their electricity.
What is it like to have every doctor's appointment not be a big deal? I feel like each quarterly appointment is make or break. It's stressful. I've heard that most people have annual appointments only. That would be so nice.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to this. If you have cystic fibrosis, I hope it made you feel better that someone else empathizes with you and what you go through. If you don't, please know that I'm not saying that what you deal with on a daily basis is any easier; it's just different.
One funny CF-related joke I was just thinking about. One time my buddies and I were talking back in the day when we were single and we asked each other what 3 things we would wish for if we were stuck on a deserted island. I don't remember the specifics exactly but it went sort of like this.
One guy said "Britney Spears, a 6-pack of beer and a big screen TV."
Another guy said "Jessica Alba, a keg of Miller Lite and a lifetime subscription to Playboy."
My answer was simple.
"My therapy machine, a lifetime supply of meds, a working generator so that my machine would always work...and Britney Spears."
They were generous enough to give me the option for a fourth thing!
What's it like having cystic fibrosis?
DIFFERENT!
I hope all of you are living your dreams and loving your life.
Andy
A little humor after a bit of embarrassment
So I had a speech in north Georgia this weekend and I met 3 great individuals who listened to my speech. Two of them had a relative with CF so it was great to hear their input. I sold a few books and donated some too.
Here is the only problem. There were more than 200 people at the overall convention and only 3 came to my speech. I drove 2.5 hours down to this speaking point from Gatlinburg where our family spent the weekend for Labor Day and where Andrea and I got to spend a night out for our 10-year wedding anniversary (thanks Manny for watching the kids). I was pretty frustrated that the turnout for my speech wasn't better and that several people weren't even aware of when and where I was going to speak but instead of getting upset about it, I have decided to turn to humor. Humor is what keeps us healthy both emotionally and physically and it has always worked for me.
I'm not giving out the name of the organization because I don't want to offend these individuals who put this event on. I'm sure overall the weekend went very well and I wish them success now and in the future.
So without further ado, here are my 25 stipulations for future speeches:
25. If my speech does not have enough attendees to fill out a lineup card, it's probably not a good sign.
24. If the number of attendees at my speech is small enough to fit at my kitchen table, it's probably not a good sign.
23. If I can count the number of attendees on one hand, it's probably not a good sign.
22. If when I ask if anyone has any questions and I actually have to say "Neither of you has questions?", it's probably not a good sign.
21. If in the middle of my speech I yell "Sexual Chocolate" and drop my microphone, it's probably not a good sign. (Image enclosed from "Coming to America")
20. If the attendees at my speech could get in my car afterwards to go have a drink, it's probably not a good sign.
19. If I don't need a microphone and in fact could even whisper my talk, it's probably not a good sign.
18. If I've seen more people in line buying groceries at 10 o'clock at night, it's probably not a good sign.
17. If I've written as many books as the number of attendees in the crowd, it's probably not a good sign.
16. If I can count the number of people in my audience by taking a quick glance, it's probably not a good sign.
15. If I thought I was getting a standing ovation but then realized that 1/3 of the audience was just stretching and his name was Larry, it's probably not a good sign.
14. If 1/3 of my audience is booing and I say get "him" out of here, it's probably not a good sign.
13. If I say that two-thirds of the crowd was late and only 2 people were late, it's probably not a good sign.
12. If I knew everyone's name in the audience within 30 seconds, it's probably not a good sign.
11. If I played tennis on the same court with my entire audience and it was referred to as "doubles," it's probably not a good sign.
10. If I go to a restaurant with my audience and the hostess says "Table for 3?", it's probably not a good sign.
9. If the number of hours it takes to get to my speech is close in size to the number of people in the audience, it's probably not a good sign.
8. If I have as many fish tanks at home as people at my speech, it's probably not a good sign.
7. If my son's age is greater than the number of people in my audience and my son is in pre-K, it's probably not a good sign.
6. If I have as many meals in the day as the number of people in my audience, it's probably not a good sign.
5. If there are as many "Back to the Future" movies as people in the audience, it's probably not a good sign.
4. If 2/3 of my audience lives in the same household and they were not part of the Duggar family, it's probably not a good sign.
3. If I add up the number of people at my speech and my calculator spits out "HA HA!", it's probably not a good sign.
2. If the number of people at my speech divided by one is a single-digit number, it's probably not a good sign.
1. And finally, if someone leaves to go to the bathroom and I have to say, we'll just wait till he gets back before I continue, it's probably not a good sign.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Worst Movies of All Time and How they ruined my life!
As we had my top 50 favorites movies, let me now introduce to you the worst 50 movies I have ever seen. Note I have not seen: The Hottie and the Nottie (a classic with Paris Hilton which actually co-starred a high school friend of mine Adam Kulbersh), Titanic 2 (yes, they made one and it was a cartoon from what I've heard) and Freddie got Fingered."
Enjoy unless you've seen these movies!
50. Harold and Kumar's 3D Christmas - Andrea and I saw this the other night. Why ruin a classic by doing 2 terrible sequels? This one is far worse than number 2. On the other hand, I consider this movie to be the number 2 that my son makes every morning.
49. Jaws The Revenge - a shark getting revenge against people. Seriously? I want revenge from the theater. Give me my money back. And I'm even more disappointed that Michael Caine did this movie. Mario Van Peebles I understand. BUT Michael Caine?
48. Waterworld - Some rank this the worst movie of all time. Those people are not stupid. Kevin Costner is still trying to make up for this disaster. At least he was smart enough not to make a sequel.
47. Major League 3: Back to the Minors - Speaking of sequels. This is as bad as it gets. At least Charlie Sheen had enough decency not to appear in this one. Scott Bakula should have quantum leaped his way out of this miserable film.
46. Anything from the Sci Fi channel - Jersey Shore Shark Attack - Yeah, that was a movie. I have to call out Shark Attack 3: Megalodon as well. If you like gigantic sharks eating boats in one bite, this is your film!
45. Glitter - Mariah Carey's best performance so far...and to my knowledge her only one.
44. Boogeyman - I wanted the Boogeyman to come get me out of this movie. Apparently, they not only made a sequel for this flop but they even made it a trilogy. My guess is the case set can be found at your $1 bin at Walmart.
43. Superman 3 - Richard Pryor couldn't save this movie nor could Superman himself. Superman the Quest for Peace was pretty bad too. I think it started a war.
42. Howard the Duck - I had a dog named Howard growing up. I almost changed his name after seeing this movie. I also ate more duck after this movie but it's purely coincidence.
41. From Justin to Kelly - or as I call it - 2 finalists on American Idol collecting paychecks to act very poorly. Kelly survived this. Justin might be in Jaws V the Return of a shark who eats families.
40. Any movie with party in the title that's a horror movie - Slumber Party, Sorority Party, etc. Great USA Up-All-Night movies though for all of you 80's people.
39. Open Water 2: Adrift - I felt adrift after watching this movie. S.O.S. - someone please turn off my TV!
38. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation - this is where Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zelwegger got their start. This made Matthew's appearance in Fool's Gold and Failure to Launch look like Academy Award Winning Roles. I wonder if the name of this movie had Renee Z at hello.
37. Nothing But Trouble - this horrible movie revealed to me that Chevy Chase's career was about over. Also the title should have hinted to me not to see this movie.
36. Jason X - Seriously Jason Voohries went to space. I'm serious. This was one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen. However if it was in the "Horrible" section, it was a masterpiece.
35. Superman Returns - the director should not only never be allowed to make another comic book movie; he should have to wear a shirt reading "I ruined the Superman franchise. Sorry." every day for the rest of this life. Honorable mention to Batman & Robin but I think Clooney is too good of an actor to put this in my top 50.
34. All Final Destination movies after the first one - It's not a good sign if you're laughing when people die unless you're some psychotic killer. After watching this movie, I think there will be a lot more psychotic killers in the world.
33. Star Wars I: the Phantom Menace - I found myself at a midnight show going in and out of sleep during this movie. Jarjar Binx is the worst character in all of movies. George Lucas, I hope you got a lot of money for this because you owe a lot of people refunds!
32. Green Lantern - It should have been called "Ryan Reynolds wanted a paycheck." At least he got Blake Lively out of the deal; not a bad consolation prize.
31. It's Pat: The Movie - Title change - "It's Horrible: This Movie."
30. Adam Sandler movies after Big Daddy - Sometimes I think Adam thinks of a movie and the next day he and his buddies go out and shoot it and it's in the theater 3 days later and then a few days later he realizes, "OK, not a great idea." See Grown Ups as an example.
29. Will Ferrell movies - Don't get me wrong - I loved Old School and Anchorman and even liked Talledega Nights. But when he does a terrible movie "The Campaign," "Land of the Lost" or "Kicking and Screaming," it makes me wonder if he is telling the audience I think you're stupid enough to enjoy this. Well Will, you're wrong, sir!
28. To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar - Dear Wong Foo, thanks for ruining my night at the movies. Andy Lipman.
27. Home Alone 3: McCauley Culkin wasn't in this movie. McCauley Culkin was a lucky man. Hopefully he wasn't in the theater to see it. If he was, that leaves only 7 more people.
26. Rhinestone - I love Sylvestor Stallone. I love Dolly Parton. I hated this movie. If I ever hear Sly sing again, it will be too soon.
25. Flubber - Robin Williams, you are one of my favorite actors. Much like when I peed my pants in the first grade, I'll pretend this didn't happen.
24. Gigli - Ben Affleck, why? Why would you do this? The movie co-starring J-Lo ended like your relationship to J-Lo. Messy!
23. Showgirls - Elizabeth Berkley is very good looking...and that's what I got out of this movie. She should have done Saved by the Bell: The College Years instead.
22. Striptease - There is stripping but the tease was that there would be good acting in this movie. If I had to pick which is worse between this and Showgirls, I think I would prefer not to choose but instead watch my Bar Mitzvah video in slow motion.
21. Speed 2: Cruise Control - Even Sandra Bullock admitted this movie sucked. She was right.
20. Cobra - Sly, what are you doing? I was embarrassed by Rhinestone. I was even embarrassed by Over the Top and Stop or My Mom will Shoot but I left them off this list. Don't even get me started on Judge Dredd. On the bright side, you'll always have Rocky and Rambo.
19. Stop or My Mom will Shoot - Sorry Sly. I decided that you deserved this. You not only hurt your career; you hurt Estelle Getty's and that really hurts me.
18. The Slugger's Wife - How could I not like a movie about baseball that is filmed in Atlanta about the Braves? Somehow I found a way. This movie was awful.
17. Caddyshack II - I loved the first one. I saw the second one. We'll leave it there.
16. All About Steve - Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper are 2 good actors...just not in this movie. I have nothing more to say.
15. Son of the Mask - More like Son of a Bitch, this movie sucked!
14. Little Nicky - I said I wouldn't call out Adam Sandler movies since I basically grouped them all above but forget it. This movie deserves its own line. I thought I dreamed this movie. I thought "No one would really make this movie, would they?" They did and as usual it was Adam Sandler. Hopefully this one only took 25 minutes to make. I want my money back even though I saw this for free on TBS.
13. Eyes Wide Shut - Was this the name of the movie or what I should have done instead of watching this classic?
12. The Last Action Hero - Arnold, please tell me you were distracted by your marital issues when making this movie. Please!
11. North - I thought I was going to see the Oliver North story. Instead I saw the worst movie ever. Thanks Elijah Wood!
10. Toys - Robin, I removed Flubber from my mind. This will be tougher. What is sad is that I loved "The Toy" with Richard Pryor and sometimes I forget which is which when I see the movie is coming on. I brace myself each time. Please don't be Robin Williams. Please don't be Robin Williams. NOOOOOO!
9. Rocky V - I loved 1-4 and even liked 6. 5 stunk! I did like one line, "Hey Tom-my, I didn't hear no bell." Hopefully he didn't see no reviews.
8. Karate Kid IV - Hilary Swank, I'm glad you won an academy award. I still will never forgive you for single-handedly ruining this franchise. You probably killed Pat Morita...and possibly Beverly Hills 90210 but that's another topic all together.
7. Halloween III: Season of the Witch - I actually liked the fact that...who am I kidding? This sucked. Michael Myers wasn't even in it. I think he knew this was going to be terrible. Trick or treat? TRICK!
6. Earth Girls are Easy - Geena Davis, I liked A League of Their Own. Geena Davis, I hated Earth Girls are Easy. I'll tell you what's easy - panning your movie!
5. The Golden Child - Eddie Murphy was tremendous in Beverly Hills Cop and RAW. And he flushed all of that work away with this stinker!
4. She-Devil - You would think a cast with Meryl Streep could never be on this list. What if I told you that Roseanne Barr was in the movie? Exactly!
3. The Howling II and all of those that followed - I loved The Howling. Then when I tell friends to see it, I tell them to make sure the movie they see does not have a roman numeral next to it because all of those were horrible! FYI, The Howling II is called "Your Sister is a Werewolf." I kid you not. This made Teen Wolf II look like Gone with the Wind.
2. The Grudge II - I didn't like "The Grudge." The Grudge II was 100 times worse. I tried to think of something clever to say but my head hurts when I think about this movie. I will never again see a movie directed by Takashi Shimizu. How's that for a grudge?
1. Battlefield Earth - I saw this movie though I didn't see it in full. I don't think I missed a lot. John Travolta has legal problems but that should not be his priority right now. He should turn his attention to "Battlefield Earth II" and make every single person on death row watch this movie. It will save us so much money because we'll be able to get rid of the electric chair.
I hope you enjoyed the list. Feel free to leave a few of your own. Have fun at the movies!
Andy
Thursday, August 23, 2012
News on the Sneiderman case
Andrea Sneiderman got some good news yesterday. She is free on bond hopefully beginning later this week. It was terrific news for all of us supporting Andrea. My dad and my Andrea were on the stand yesterday as witnesses and did a great job demonstrating Andrea's character and why she was worthy of getting out on bond. I was able to sit directly behind Andrea Sneiderman with her family as we watched. Herb and Bonnie (her parents) cried as the decision was revealed by Judge Adams. They really needed this type of news...truthfully all of "Team Andrea" did.
This was a very good start to exonerating our friend. We don't want her to just be found "not guilty." We want people to see what a really good person she is and hopefully all of you who do not know that will see for yourselves in the next 12 months that our friend Andrea could never have done such a thing to her beloved husband. I was in my daughter's class the other day and we were supposed to leave her with words to live by. I put "Sometimes being a leader is not about doing the popular thing but instead doing the right thing." That's kind of how I feel while sticking by my friend.
Thank you as always for your support of me and my Andrea regardless of your opinion of this case. Your calls and texts are very helpful during this time. The most important thing is that Andrea gets to be with her children now. Regardless of who you support, please pray for the children and that at least for a little while their lives go back to normal.
In other news, 10 days till my 10th anniversary with Andrea. Andrea, I love you. I can't believe it's been 10 years. We have 2 beautiful kids and a wonderful life together.
Magic is having ACL surgery next week. She's just trying to be like the rest of her immediate family and have some sort of medical condition. Now we can officially qualify for WEB MD Family of the Year.
Kris Medlen may be the best clutch pitcher the Braves organization has had since John Smoltz. The guy just wins. He made the Nationals lineup look like the Astros last night. Go Braves! We have a big 4 game series in SF starting tonight. We need to split at worst.
I heard Maurice Jones-Drew might get traded. I'm hoping Arthur Blank is listening.
I only have 3 more days of TOBI (I finish Sunday morning) so I look forward to spending that previously allotted time for time with Andrea and the kids. Not only is it frustrating adding 80 minutes of TOBI per day but I'm also anxiety-ridden all day thinking about when I'm going to find the time to do the treatments.
My softball team advanced to the 2nd round of the playoffs Monday night. Our next game is Monday the 27th. Go Off the Bench!
Please check out my Top 50 movie list in the previous blog entry and see what movies you would add.
I hope that all of you are well.
Andy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)