Making amends, dealing with regrets and a chance to join me during my treatments

I figured I'd give you details of what my therapy is like while I blog. I'll give you a blow by blow call of what I'm doing at each moment.

10:40pm: Two puffs on my Xopenex inhaler, pouring sinus medicine in both nostrils, spraying nasal antibiotic in both nostrils and squirting sinus spray in both nostrils

10:45pm: Starting my hypertonic saline

As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm on Step 9 which means making amends. I'm currently writing letters to those people that I've hurt in some way to amend my wrongs. How fitting that it occurs on the eve of Yom Kippur which is the Day of Atonement in Jewish tradition.

11:00pm: starting my 40 minute vest session

I am having a tough time right now because I'm having to re-live my past mistakes. I've heard the line "Everyone is human" but that sounds more like an excuse to me than a simple cliche. I have made mistakes and I'm far from perfect. I have let my compulsion and depression issues get the best of me. I have hurt several people in my life including many who I love very much.

Not only have I had to look at my recent past but I've had to remember things from my childhood that have played a role in my actions as I grew up. George, my therapist, and I have gone over these issues frequently. I've tried to look up some of the people who affected me negatively as a child but I could only find one and I promised my sponsor I would wait till I finish my 12th step before I call or e-mail him. The other person is unreachable at this point. I looked her up on Facebook, Linkedin, MySpace and Google. It's as if she doesn't exist except in my mind. I'm sorry to be so vague when I speak of my wrongs but I'm not ready to release that skeleton yet. I've released so many already.

I'm about a week into Tobi and I'm spending a lot of late nights and early mornings staring at this computer screen pondering life. I start thinking about my problems and wondering if it was God's grand plan to put me through these things because I'm the type of person who is not afraid to speak about his problems. Maybe I'm a spokesman who can help others. That's my hope. I'm not being cocky when I say that; it's just I hope these things in my life happened for a reason. I have to believe that in order to keep going.

11:17pm: Done with hypertonic saline, still doing my vest and now doing Pulmozyme aerosol for 20 minutes while I finish my vest simultaneously

When I'm having a good day, I look at my life and think I married a beautiful woman, miraculously had 2 children, ran with the Olympic Torch, wrote multiple books and have become a successful fundraiser. When I'm in my dark place, I think about death a lot. I think about leaving my kids with only a faint memory of their father. I think about all of the regrets I have and how I'll never be able to make up for them. Life is a complicated thing. The minute I think that life is unfair, I have to remember how ironic that is. I've been given a life. That's the fairest thing God can do for us. Some of us aren't given the hands we would have wished for but still we're living and breathing and that's fair enough for me.

Several people have asked what depression is like or what addictions/compulsions are like. In my case, depression feels like I'm walking into this very dark place and I can't get out and after a while I don't want to get out. I just become lazy in shame. It feels as if there are no solutions to any of my problems. Every second seems to last an hour and every day seems to last a month. People are constantly telling me to snap out of it as if I want to be this way. Depression is not something I want to feel; it's just something I feel. Imagine having to sneeze but people tell you to just hold it in. You can't do it and neither can I. Compulsion and addiction are kind of the same thing. There are hundreds of addictions out there if I were to guess and since reading about this topic, it seems like a common theme is that addiction is when you can't stop from doing something no matter what the consequences are. It's a feeling like everything is shades of gray while it should be obvious what is black and what is white. It's like having the devil on your shoulder telling you what to do and the angel is fast asleep. It's scary stuff.

I'm on a few anti-depressants and they do help, but I still have my moments though I can cope now in a more positive way. I go to meetings for my compulsions and I go to therapy for both my compulsions and depression. I'm an obvious addict by the way with whatever I do. Let's look at my fish hobby as one example. I started with a beta fish and a year later I have 2 beta fish in my office, 2 tanks in my living room and a large tank in my bedroom. I could name several more examples but they're all the same. I always want more. Nothing is perfect. When I get to the top of the mountain, I want to find a taller mountain. That's something I'm working on toning down.

On a bright note, I'm so excited about going with the family to Disney World. Avery is so excited. It's all she can talk about. Andrea has done a terrific job setting all of this up. I know that the kids will love it. I'm also excited to see my Nana Rose whose house I haven't visited since Avery was a baby. I can't wait to show my kids around the house which my grandmother has had since my mom was a little girl. We are also looking forward to seeing my mother-in-law Roberta and her husband Glenn who live just outside of Orlando.

11:40pm: Finished my vest and Pulmozyme. Now must wait 20 minutes before starting my Tobi aerosol. Cleaned the basement. Watched Giants-Dodgers game on Internet and rooting for the Dodgers so the Braves can stay 1.5 games up on Giants in the wild card race. Between the 6th and 7th innings, I ran 10 laps in the basement.

Well, I plan to start making my amends this weekend and I plan to atone for my wrongs on Friday night and Saturday during Yom Kippur. I can tell you that now I have a very high self esteem but not to the point of arrogance. That's dangerous for any addict. The moment you think everything is great is when you let your guard down and all of your issues return at full force. I'm never letting that happen again. Never!

12:05am: Starting Tobi

I'm not the only one with CF who deals with emotional issues. I started a Facebook group for those with CF who deal with depression too. In just over a week, I have nearly 200 members.

CF is a depressing disease. I just glanced at "Growing Older with CF" which is a handbook for CF adults. Some of the chapters include Pulmonary Disease, Gastrointestinal Disease, Pancreatic Enzyme Deficiency, Hemoptysis, Pneumothorax, Sinusitis, Bacteria Fungi and Lung Infection in CF, Pulmonary Exacerbations, Respiratory Failure, Lung Transplantation, Diabetes Millitus, Glucose Intolerance, Arthritis and Other Joint Diseases and Bone Conditions, and CF and Cancer.

Apparently having CF means there is more of a probability of having digestive tract cancers and also the odds of have leukemia increase if a patient has the Delta F508 gene, which most CF patients including myself have. Looking at all of this, it's no wonder CF patients have trouble with depression. I didn't even mention the fact that 98% of males with CF can't even have children without fertility methods. I'm one of the lucky 98% but thanks to in vitro fertilization I was able to enclose the picture of these two cuties who Andrea and I just adore. Then you have the cost of drugs, the amount of drugs and the amount of time spent doing therapies and treatments. It's exhausting.

Still there are approximately 30,000 of us out there and we're surviving. Breakthrough drugs continue to develop. The life expectancy continues to increase. There are several exciting studies out there. In other words, there are lots of negatives to having CF but I'd prefer to see the glass as half full.

12:45am: Done with Tobi treatment. Giants won. Bummer! Heading up to drink some water, brush my teeth and head to bed. Thanks for joining me during my treatment tonight or should I say this morning.

To the day when CF stands for Cure Found. Thanks to the fundraising efforts of so many of you, that day is a lot closer than it has ever been.

Live your dreams and love your life,

Andy

The Program gets tougher

I finished my 8th step today and now I begin the amends process which is Step 9. I'm not looking forward to this step because I'm concerned about the reactions I'll get. Still I'm 4 steps away from completion of my 12-step program and only 2 months away from a year's sobriety. I'm definitely a better person than I was 10 months ago.

Off the Bench or as I nicknamed us The Brookhaven Dream Team began our season tonight. I promised the team that my new additions would make a difference. Well, we fell down 5-0 early and I think players started to doubt me. Then we got to bat and won by mercy rule 22-7. My 3 add-ons had about 7 hits combined and led the charge. I felt like Jon Schuerholz as I smiled with pride. We are going to surprise a lot of teams this year.

I want to make sure I mention in each blog something that tells you what it's like to have CF. Whenever I go in for X-rays and they see from my card that the patient has cystic fibrosis, they always ask me where my son "Andrew" is. I have to explain to them that I am the one with CF. Cystic fibrosis was a childhood disease for so long that many in the medical field still aren't used to us living past our teens. Hopefully they'll get used to grandfathers and grandmothers with CF in the next few decades. Or maybe they won't have CF because a cure will finally be found.

I wonder some days if there ever will be a cure. I don't know if I could get used to not taking pills with meals and not setting aside a time to do my therapy. I don't know if I could get used to less than half a dozen doctor's appointments per year and the life or death concerns that comes from each one. I don't know if I could get used to not having a life-threatening disease. Hey, what would I speak about during my motivational speeches? Maybe I could brag about my ability to read any word backwards but I don't think that will captivate the audience as much as a guy with a terminal illness can.

I had to explain to my daughter what was wrong with daddy several weeks ago when she asked if she would ever have to do therapy. I told her that daddy has something that is different than most people. I told her it's like her peanut allergy. You don't like it but you have it and you make the best out of it. I don't know that she got a lot out of it but it made me think of the conversations I'm going to have to have with my kids when they're older.

They're going to have to make sacrifices. They can't date anyone who smokes. They're going to have to learn how to do postural drainage which is when the person slaps the patient on the back, sides and chest to loosen the mucus. That's what my parents administered before the vest machine was invented. They'll only need to use it if we lose electricity or the machine malfunctions. They're going to have to learn about life and death a lot sooner than most kids. I remember that feeling. I don't plan to hide a lot from my kids. I don't want them to learn about their dad from someone else. That's one of the reasons I'm writing The Drive at 35. I want my children to know their father just in case CF gets the best of me before they're teenagers. I don't plan for that to happen but I want to be prepared. The Drive at 35 might just be their one chance to get to know their father - the good and the bad.

The one thing I want them to know is how much they mean to me. I've run with the Olympic Torch, written 3 books and chaired a highly successful fundraising event yet all of those accomplishments pale in comparison to raising two beautiful children and being married to a wonderful woman. They put life in perspective. I've included one of my favorite pictures of Avery and Ethan from the beach in Charleston. Avery loves him so much and Ethan would follow her wherever she goes.

My Tobi aerosol therapy is going pretty well. I don't like the extra hour or so it adds to my medical agenda but still it's for the best. I'm really excited that the doctor didn't need to put me on antibiotics Friday. I've been off them for more than six months. I'm really proud of that fact. I used to be on antibiotics all of the time.

I'm on day 4 of my new diet. I've replaced nutritional bars with bananas and twizzlers, gummy bears and chocolate with water and mangoes. I'm not going to weigh myself until next Friday to see if I've come down from 197. My goal is to be at 185 in 4 weeks. Maybe then I can fit into my skinny jeans...sorry that's the only thing I remember from Sex and The City.

Well, I hope everyone has a good night.

Andy

Bye Bye Summer

Good morning everyone. Welcome to another week in our lives. I had a nice weekend. I got to see several friends although this might have been the worst weekend in Atlanta sports history. Georgia Tech, Georgia, Georgia State and Georgia Southern all lost. The Falcons and Braves both lost yesterday. I think my hopes of having a championship this season - the first in 15 years for this city - rides on our women's WNBA team. Go Atlanta Dream! Has my life as a fan really come to this? I am excited to watch the Nadal-Djokovic US Open Final today. My worst fears though are that my Dawgs will lose to the Vols again this season. Andrea and I have a running bet that whichever team wins, our kids have to wear the team's outfit the following day. See the attached nightmare that I dealt with in previous years. Ethan (the picture attached), I'm sorry and daddy loves you. Hopefully Coach Richt will do what he can to protect you and your sister from wearing that color this year.

Tonight is the opening game in our fall softball season. I'm excited to get started, but a bit scared too. No, I'm not scared about softball. I'm scared because the summer is nearly over. It's not because I will miss the hot weather nor because I like vacationing. Granted, these are two things that make the summer special, but those aren't the reasons I'll miss this warm season. I'm actually scared of the fall and winter.

Those are the two time periods where my depression really seems to soar. First off, due to the colder conditions and some of the particles in the air (ragweed), I always seem to get sick this time of year and therefore my pulmonary function numbers go quite a bit down. I've reacted that way to the cold weather since before I can remember. Second, the days end earlier in the winter and it's a lot tougher to go outside and exercise. That's why I now play in a basketball league in the winter. I want to make up for not playing softball and having less opportunities to go running outside. It was last November that I admitted myself into a rehabilitation facility. Don't think that fact and the actions that put me there are not constant reminders in my head. Also, looking at the other picture attached (Grizzly Adams Lipman), I don't want to be that guy again. While I'm smiling in that picture, that was one of those moments where depression was getting the bet of me. I didn't care what I looked like nor what I did. I'm not going back there. By the way, the beard was real and it was spectacular.

Here's the good news. Through the rehabilitation process, I've learned how to cope with my concerns. I've learned how to work a 12-step program and how to deal with my triggers. Today my sponsor and I will complete Step 8. I'm really excited about that fact. Only four more steps to go after today and I will have completed the 12-step process. I'll explain step 8 later but I can tell you it's the most grueling step for me because it forces me to go back and remember my issues and why I'm in a 12-step program. It also forces me to remember the people I hurt for quite some time.

I'm proud though that my sobriety is at 10 months today. I know there are a lot of people who can't even make it 10 days. I also know that if my sobriety ended today, 10 months would not mean anything. My goal is life-long sobriety.

Well, that's it for today. I wish all of you a happy and healthy week. Let's hope the Braves can get it together soon because otherwise Andrea's going to have to deal with me complaining about Bobby Cox, Frank Wren and Nate McLouth for the next four months! Pitchers and catchers report in about 20 weeks, folks...wahoo!

Have a good one.

Andy

My doctor's appointment

Here's what happened at Emory today. I found out the previous night that I had to fast from midnight till about one o'clock p.m. today. I arrived at the lab at 10 a.m. As I was walking in, I helped a guy in the elevator to move his cart in and out on the next floor. He rewarded me with the last apple juice he had. It was really generous, but I wasn't allowed to drink so I paid it back a few minutes later when I arrived at the lab. An older gentleman was really thirsty so I gave him the apple juice and he was very appreciative. I talked to a few people today. I met an older lady who was a huge Georgia fan. She had to be in her 80's. I then met a woman going through a kidney transplant.

When I arrived at the lab, I had to give a urine sample (no, I did not ask Roger Clemens to take it for me) and then I had to give blood, more blood...and more blood! I had 13 vials of blood taken. Remember I'm still fasting at this point and then have to go another two hours before I have to come back and get another vial taken before I can finally eat. It's called the glucose test to see if I have CF-related diabetes. I had to drink a sugary beverage that tastes like a Mountain Dew that had been flat for weeks. I had to drink it in a five minute time span. The goal of the test was to see how my body broke down sugars. If the goal had been to be nauseas and light-headed, then it was certain that it was a success.

I went up for my PFT's around 10:45 and Dr. Sueblinvong was very pleased. I scored four percent higher than last time. She was bragging to the other doctors. I was really happy with the news. Next I worked on a new diet plan with Jessica, my dietician at the clinic. I have ballooned to 197 pounds. I am going for 185 pounds which means I'm going to be cutting out sodas and gummy bears, which is my sugary vice. I won't be seeing Dr. Sueblinvong for another three months which is the equivalent to several years for a CF patient.

I got the test results back this evening and I do not have CF related diabetes so I was glad to hear the news.

We took the kids to the Braves game tonight and tomorrow I'm planning on resting after a long day.

Thanks everyone for keeping me in your thoughts. You are in mine.

Have a great weekend and I am including a picture of my sister and Andrea from the Emmy's. Don't they look amazing!

Talk to you soon,

Andy

It all starts at 11:44 P.M.

Well, it's 11:44 pm and I have started another month of Tobi. I will endure 28 days of treatments. I caught a cold the other day (or it's bad allergies) and coincidentally my doctor's appointment is tomorrow. Ugh! I hate being sick and going in because it almost guarantees my PFTs (pulmonary function tests) will be down. Also I will be doing labs (blood work) in the morning and a glucose test throughout the day to see if I have CF-related diabetes. I have to fast from midnight to noon. Maybe I'll just consider it a start to a new diet. I think I have love handles.

Today was Rosh Hashanah or the start of the Jewish New Year. It's a little confusing if you're not Jewish and you see people wishing each other a happy new year in September. You may be a bit concerned about them. We're okay though. I went to services today as it's tradition to miss work and pray on the new year. Our rabbi, Joshua Heller, had a great sermon today. I shouldn't just say today. He's always really good. He talked about making mistakes and making things better out of your mistakes. If that doesn't describe my goal from the last few years, I don't know what does. Even Andrea said it was like he was talking to me. It was tough having a cold and wearing a suit and sitting in a room with thousands of people but during that sermon it was as if I was the only person in the room. Thank you Rabbi Heller.

I'm worried about my doctor's appointment as I always am but I know I've worked hard and before this cold I was kicking butt in the gym. I know I'll have several tests too and that means weeks of waiting for results which is another wonderful thing about having cystic fibrosis.

I had a great day off with Andrea and the kids. Andrea made a great dinner the other night. I think she surprised herself but I think she's a really good cook and just doesn't give herself enough credit. Last night Andrea and Emily put the kids to bed so I could rest and Andrea let me rest today after synagogue as she went to a friend's house for an after synagogue meal. I've had bad cough the last two nights and could not sleep. I took a nap today though and the coughing is definitely down.

Softball starts on Monday as Off the Bench will be ready to show off the new crew to the rest of the league. They are going to be surprised. Avery has soccer on Sunday so Coach Lipman will be ready to go. The four of us are going to the Braves game tomorrow night. The team could use our help.

Well, that's all. I will let everyone know how the doctor's appointment goes. Please keep me in your thoughts. I hope that all of you have a great weekend.

Andy

CF stole my youth but I'm still kicking!

First, let me say that the 3 groups I've started on Facebook have been very well received. These are the three:

1) I have cystic fibrosis, depression and other emotional issues.
2) Cystic fibrosis was supposed to take my life yet here I am.
3) People with CF raising money to beat CF.

On my 37th birthday, I decided I wanted to get people together who are making a difference in the world of cystic fibrosis but I also wanted them to know that they are not alone when dealing with depression, addiction, compulsion and just an overall feeling of being overwhelmed when having cystic fibrosis. When we were kids, we had to deal with life-threatening doctor's appointments. We had to deal with the fear of cross-contamination and bacterial infections. A cold was not just a few days at home. It was a doctor's appointment followed by another followed by weeks of concern and confusion. Overnight camp was not an option and having a day without some type of therapy or taking some type of medication was the equivalent to a "normal" person going a day without eating or drinking.

CF has restricted me from many things. I had to stay close to home when I went to college. I could not have children without in vitro fertilization. I cannot eat anything with fat without taking some type of pancreatic enzyme. I do four hours of therapy a day, I take 20 to 30 pills and I go to a doctor at least a half dozen times a year.

Despite all of that, I sit here 37 years old and 3 days knowing that to this point this disease has not beaten me.

I've mentioned my problems with depression. I was suicidal in college and have thought about suicide off and on for years. I've dealt with childhood traumas - some I've mentioned and others I'm scared to confess. I've mentioned the problems I've encountered currently but I've held in some of my issues because I'm afraid how people will react. My book will do the confessing for me.

As I completed Step 7 and started Step 8 in my 12-step program today, I thought about what a different person I feel like compared to when I entered a rehabilitation facility nearly 10 months ago. I'm stronger emotionally, more prepared to cope and open and honest for the first time in my life.

This Thursday is Rosh Hashanah which is the New Year in Judaism and will soon be followed by Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. This is the day in which we atone for our sins. I think I can forgive myself now but I still must atone for a lot of things I've done wrong. I've hurt some dear people in my life.

So I go from sitting at home and praying all day Thursday to a doctor's appointment on Friday to see how my lung function is. It will be the first time I've been back since Dr. Wolfenden died. It will surely be hard to walk through those doors. I'm going to give it my all though as I know she would have wanted me to do that. I'm worried about my pulmonary function scores but I've worked hard the last few months so I can't fault my effort.

I'm looking forward to The Drive at 35 coming out in the next year once we get a publisher. I'm really excited about Celine Dion, Garth Brooks, Dale Murphy, Boomer Esiason, Robert Beall (President of the CF Foundation) and Frank Deford being on board to write forewords for the book.

Ethan continues to prosper despite the stroke he suffered at birth. Avery is a twenty year old in a four-year old's body. Andrea is doing well. She's on hiatus but her tennis season will resume shortly so I will keep everyone updated. My softball season begins next week. I think I've recruited the dream team of softball and I think this is my best chance to captain a champion. Avery's soccer team has been fun to coach and I look forward to our season opener in a couple of weeks. I know as much about soccer as Paris Hilton knows about modesty so it should be interesting.

That's all for tonight. I wish everyone a healthy and enjoyable week and to keep working hard to prove the naysayers wrong.

Best Wishes,

Andy

To my friends on my 37th birthday

This was an incredible day. I woke up to several e-mails wishing me a Happy Birthday. The number escalated throughout the day to over 200. I also got a few calls too. I was thrilled. I'm not great with birthdays. I haven't had much luck with them for one. Number two, as hard as it is to believe, I don't like to be the center of attention for something I have not earned. I believe my birthday was the day I was born and that's about it. When I was younger, I was scared to turn a year older because I looked at it as another year closer to CF killing me. I know that's morbid but that's how I thought.

Still this one was different. It was the first time I equaled the median life expectancy for someone with CF. I spent the night before celebrating my anniversary with Andrea. We had a great time at dinner. The next morning I got to spend some time with the kids. Then my parents and Em came over. It was so great to see everyone and everyone looked terrific especially my dad. A few hours later, I took Avery to see Toy Story 3. I told Andrea that's what I wanted to do on my birthday. The funny thing was that Avery fell asleep on the way there but when we got in the parking lot, she immediately awoke and said "Daddy, I slept in the car so I wouldn't sleep in the movie." Is she really just 4?

Thirty-seven was never supposed to get here. My parents told me that doctors were hesitant to say that I'd see my teens. So the eve before my 37th birthday, I started a Facebook group called "Cystic fibrosis was supposed to take me as a kid, yet here I am." And in one day there are already about 100 members. Looks like the median life expectancy will be increasing again soon.

Andrea got me a really cool gift that will enable me to enjoy more Braves games even when I am not near a television. It's called Slingbox. I just hope the Braves make the playoffs so I can take advantage of her generosity.

I was proud of my Bulldogs for winning against UL-Lafayette. Not much of a test I know but I loved the fire that our new defensive coordinator showed when we allowed the only points we'd allow all day. Aaron Murray, our redshirt freshman QB, looked great as well.

This is my favorite time of year: October baseball, the start of college football and the NFL and the temperatures in Atlanta lowering so that I can actually walk outside without sweating like a Richard Simmons commercial.

Friday we got our pictures back from Charleston and Melissa did an amazing job. If you want a great photographer in the Charleston area, please let me know. I will recommend my high school friend highly. I am enclosing a picture that Andrea actually shot though. She may not be a professional, but she takes some terrific pictures too. Avery looks totally angelic here.

Well, that's it. It is now September 5th and I am 37 years and 1 day. I guess that means I'm now beating the median life expectancy. I guess I can truly say that I am OFFICIALLY beating cystic fibrosis today.

Have a good one and thanks again for the special wishes. I wish them for each of you as well.

Andy...37 and still going...