Loss of a friend day 3

Well, I’ve had a day to think about everything and I’m still hurting. I was quiet Wednesday night, kind of in my own world. Andrea beat me in ping pong and usually I get upset but it really didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have my heart in it. I just felt like my body was moving but I wasn’t in it. I miss Dr. W. I went through all of our old correspondences today and realized how truly inspiring she was. And I’m not just talking about as a doctor; I’m talking about as a patient. She was always hopeful, believing she would be cured. I wanted her to be right. I’m sad that she was not. I included one of my last conversations with her. I only included it because I wanted you to know the amazing optimism she showed and the fact that she was going through Hell and still took the time to write me.

This is from January of this year.

Hi!
Nice to hear from you!
I am actually doing well. I am down 5 or 6 cycles of chemo (depending on whether you count the experimental drug I am taking with the chemo) and my latest CT scan showed that it is working really really well! My oncologist is actually using the words "complete remission". The plan is for me to have another cycle of chemo (just had one Friday), then another CT scan, and then hopefully talk to a surgeon and come off chemo. My oncologist also uses the words "We'll see" a lot. Like I do with my children!

I hope you and your family are doing well and you are having a happy holiday and spoiling your kids with too many presents!
Thank you again for checking in.
Best,
LW

And this is the letter that hurt me most. I had asked how she was and if I could include her in my book. Unfortunately she’ll never get to read it:

Dear Andy,
What a sweet and thoughtful note. Thank you.
Yes you have my permission to use my name etc. And even use the words breast cancer if you would like. I am pretty open about this.

I am so flattered by this - looking forward to reading the book when it is ready.
Things are going ok. Some ups and downs but mostly ups. Today is a little weird as I am starting to lose my hair. I had it cut really short so it won't be a big mess when it comes out. I am mentally prepared and have a ton of scarves waiting in the wings! It will be interesting to be bald, but I know it's temporary
I hope you are doing well and the kids are happy and healthy. Mine just started back at Trinity last week. Hard to believe my three year old is in school but there he is, holding his brother's hand as they walk in together.

Thank you again for this email and for keeping in touch. My next chemo starts in a week!
Best,
LW

I don’t know what hurt most. Hearing how much faith she had or hearing about her kids. Jesus, I hurt for her whole family. One thing she wrote me months before she passed was to always have faith in your doctor. It’s important. I hope she knows that I had faith in her. She was amazing. I lost a friend and the world lost an amazing doctor.

Yesterday I tried to keep busy. I got all of my work done and when I started to think of my doctor, I instead went on Facebook and added people that worked with Dr. W. so we could have each other to talk to if necessary. I also made my calls to people in my rehab circle and went to a meeting last night and talked about her. Several people came up to me saying what an amazing person she seemed to be. One had read the article the day before and had been talking to his family about her even though they had never met her nor knew that she was my doctor. It felt good to be coping appropriately. I would not have done that in the past.

Last night I e-mailed Arjun, also a doctor and her husband. I asked if it was ok to reveal her inspiring e-mails. He was fine with it, saying that he wanted his kids to know what kind of doctor she was and that he would let them know what an amazing mother she was. I thought it showed how selfless Arjun was when he told me that he was concerned for all of those patients who lost a great doctor. What a strong man and what a selfless person, worried less about himself and more about the people in the world that she helped as a doctor.

I can’t stop thinking about how lucky I am today. I have a beautiful healthy family. Sure, we’ve had our issues between CF, MS, brain infarcts and peanut allergies but everyone is relatively healthy.

Andrea and I talked about what we would name after Dr. W. if given the opportunity. Andrea had a great idea. We could have a CF educational table and name it after Dr. Wolfenden. I also thought that the Wish for Wendy Foundation would match all the contributions put on the table and donate it to the CF Foundation in Dr. W.’s name.
She meant so much to me. I will stay at Emory and continue to work with the group there but it won’t be the same. I’ll walk in and expect her sometimes sarcastic smile and her humorous remarks about having children. We joked a lot about our kids. She loved them so much.

I will always hold a place in my heart for Dr. Wolfenden and I will continue to fight so that her mission is some day accomplished…making CF stand for Cure Found!

Andy...Chairman of A Wish for Wendy; But praying that we can cure CF to ensure our wish for Lindy.

Dr. Wolfenden - I will miss you!

Dr. Wolfenden wasn't just a doctor. She wasn't just my doctor. She was the founding director behind the CF adult care center. She helped me when I got sick and when I got down. We talked about being down and trying to fight back. Dr. Wolfenden, my doctor, lost her battle to breast cancer today. I wasn't supposed to die before my doctor. She was an amazing person and very caring. She was great at joking around and without her, I'm probably much sicker. I miss her already. She was an amazing person. Here is the article in the AJC about her.

http://www.ajc.com/news/dr-linda-lucetta-lindy-578715.html

I remember she wouldn't be friends with me on Facebook because she said she didn't want her other patients to feel like they should be friends too. She was very ethical. I remember her taking my picture and making her first adult center brochure with my picture on there. She was so motivated and such a loving doctor. Her patients will truly miss her. I will miss her. I already do. The irony is that I e-mailed her this morning because we hadn't talked in a couple of months. I had a strange feeling that something was wrong and that's why I contacted her. Maybe at that moment she was contacting me from above.

I don't know how this will affect my depression but I'll be calling friends to check in. That's what tends to help me. Why do horrible things happen to such good people? She was so great to all of us CF patients. Sadly I'm finding all of her old e-mails now and saving them so I never lose her. I'm sad that her kids will grow up without a mom and I'm sad for her husband who lost an amazing wife.

I am dedicating my book to her because she helped patients for the right reasons - she loved people and truly wanted to help them. I just found out the funeral is at 2pm today so I won't be able to make it. But at 2pm, I will think of my doctor, my motivator and my friend. Dr. Wolfenden, you were there for me when I needed someone. I will continue to raise money for CF because of people like yourself. Thank you for your dedication. You were inspiring to your patients.

I will be naming something after her at Wish for Wendy if her family approves. She deserves the notoriety although I know that she wouldn't have wanted or needed it. Please pray for her family and pray that there will be more people/doctors like her someday because to this day I have not met one.

Best Wishes,

Andy (Heartbroken)

Therapy and Feeling Fortunate

Therapy

I had a meeting with my therapist today. I thought it went pretty well. He asked how my twelve-step program was going and how things with my sponsor were working out. I wish I could tell him something bad that’s going on so I felt like I was getting my money’s worth but right now I feel like I’m doing well. We are now going to see each other once a month instead of once every three weeks. That’s a big step in my progress. Still I’m cautious as I know that my issues tend to find me whether I’m high or low so I have to keep on guard.

Andrea’s Birthday

I really think this weekend with Andrea was just amazing. I had a great time. I not only enjoyed being with her but I also enjoyed seeing her reaction when she found out about the surprise. I wanted her to know how much I appreciate and love her. I hope I at least wooed her a little.

Babysitter

I found a few of my old babysitters on Facebook. One asked me if she was the one who hit me because she didn’t think she was. I told her it was not her so not to worry though I may talk to her later on about how I should handle it as she knew the guy.

The Book

I’m looking forward to working with my agent this week as we have lots to do to get this book published. I’m looking forward to getting this book out. While my personal life may be criticized when people read the book, I think overall people will understand what it’s like to deal with emotional issues not to mention the physical issues I battle with CF. I’m by no means a hero nor am I a failure. I’m somewhere in between which I believe we term that “human.”

Depression

I haven’t had any depression issues today though I did find a letter I wrote to myself months ago when things were at their worst and I was checking into a rehabilitation facility. The letter was full of anger and shame. At the time, it felt right to write those sorts of things. Now I believe that while I have made mistakes, I don’t deserve the self-hatred. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for working hard and not giving up.

Feedback

I’ve gotten a lot of nice e-mails from people who have read my blog. Thank you for the feedback and the reassurance that this blog is helpful. I welcome all comments. It helps me decide what I should write about. I understand that blogs can seem self-indulgent and to some degree my blog probably seems that way. I promise though that my intentions for writing it are not to toot my horn. Heck, as you’ve seen, I haven’t had a lot to toot about. I’m writing it because I know that there are people out there like me. There are people afraid to reveal secrets. There are people unknowingly battling depression. There are people battling a terminal illness. I’m there for all of you and I understand what you’re going through. I’ve lived a double life. I’ve lived in fear of my issues. Revealing them one by one is therapeutic and I hope that it gives someone else the courage to reveal his or her issues.

Remember that no matter what your problems are, there is someone out there who deals with worse. I was at Lil' Azios the other day and Avery and Ethan were being crazy. Andrea and I were about to go nuts. Then a young boy in a wheelchair was trying to get himself in and out of the restroom and Andrea and I saw him. He did not smile and his parents didn't look too happy either. They looked fatigued. It was at that moment that Andrea and I were reminded of how lucky we were. Kids acting up didn't seem to be a big deal anymore. Nothing really did.

Sports and Working Out

Our softball game got rained out last night as I came to bat in the 2nd inning and lightning filled the sky and the ump called the game. Darn! I was just about to do my best Roy Hobbs impersonation (The Natural). We still have a shot at first place but we have to win our next game.

I got a great workout in today. I was sweating profusely afterwards. I got in about a mile run and then did 40 minutes of chest and leg weights. I’m feeling it right now. I’m not sure if my diet is working. I’m about 192 which is 4 pounds up from last week. I hope at least some of it is muscle or maybe I have an invisible 4 pound chain on my neck or maybe it’s the chocolate cake that Troy made us on Sunday...nah!

Thinking of Someone

I have a person close to me that is still going through some medical issues so I will continue to pray that he gets better. Please put this person in your prayers. Right now I have to keep him anonymous unless he tells me it’s ok to reveal his identity.


Tobi

I have only 6 days remaining of Tobi. I can’t wait. Although I have learned of things I can do between Pulmozyme and Tobi as it’s recommended to wait 15 to 20 minutes between the aerosols. I’ve increased my workouts, gotten back into billiards and I’ve learned to play myself in Ping Pong. It’s a gift, people. A gift!

Avery

I’ve learned in recent days that “Daddy, I love you” while sweet is not a moment where my daughter has realized how much she loves me. I believe it means either one of two things: Avery knocked down her brother and he is crying or she spilled her milk on the floor. Still, I’m going to pretend that she has this life-changing moment where she realizes how important her father is to her. I did include a picture of Avery in her Supergirl outfit. Looks like great minds think alike as I've included my "Super" picture from when I was about her age.

Speaking

I’m looking forward to starting my speaking schedule again in the coming months. I have spoken at schools, Kiwanis clubs, rotary clubs, businesses and health organizations. I want my story, both its positives and its negatives, to make a difference in someone else’s life. I don’t want to be a role model. I think that word is thrown around too easily these days. I’m not a role model. I just want to make a difference in someone else’s life.

That’s it for today. Stay well, everyone.

Oh, a quick shoutout to my friend Missy. Congrats on the improved pulmonary function test results. That's awesome, girl. Keep it up!

Andy

Update #2 on Mr. Turtle

Mr. Turtle was released on Saturday. Great news! What a wonderful start to the week.

Best Wishes,

Andy

Andrea's birthday weekend and Finding Closure

I think Andrea had a great birthday weekend. Friday night we went to the Atlanta Tennis Championships and got to see Andy Roddick and Marty Fish play their quarterfinal matches. The traffic to get there was miserable. It took us 45 minutes to drive 2.1 miles. I kept wanting to say "Big Ben, Parliament." It was really hot there but still worth it to see some top tennis players in action. It was also nice to find a new babysitter for Avery and Ethan. She did a really good job. As usual, I checked with Avery the next morning to see how it went. I'm still untrusting of any babysitter since my childhood traumas.

On Saturday, we took the kids to a place called Sensations which is a place where kids can play and learn about different things like balance and light. It's kind of like SciTrek but you can actually play with everything. Avery met her boyfriend Doug there. Yes, she's 4 and she has a boyfriend. I am trying to be supportive but I didn't plan for her to start dating until she was 30 so this is difficult. On Sunday, we went to the mall which was an adventure as always. Then I surprised Andrea thanks to Ross and Summer who gave me the idea of www.datenightdinners.com. Troy came out and cooked us dinner at our house. Andrea's only clue was that we'd been to this place many times (our own house). I highly recommend Troy for you guys and women as he is a very nice guy and does a tremendous job. I'd hire him again. It's been a tough year for Andrea and I but I was glad to show her that I love her and I wanted this to be a very special birthday. Honorable mention to my parents who took Avery and Ethan for the night. It was nice not waking up at 6 a.m. to hear Avery chanting "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" or Ethan crying "Mommy, Daddy, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I included a picture from last night of Troy and Andrea. Is it me or does Troy look like Hootie?

Quick Sports Updates

The Braves lost 2 out of 3 to the Marlins thanks to Bobby Cox. I'm actually looking forward to a new manager coming in and I hope we get him from a different organization. It's time to go in another direction. Thanks Bobby for all the years but I think it's time for a change.

I think I went an entire weekend without hearing about a Georgia player being thrown off the team. That's good news.

My softball team has a 6:30 game at Brookhaven tonight. This is our chance to move back into first place. We have just enough guys to field a team which means I'll be playing the entire game. I hope to drive in a few runs tonight.

I had a really good workout on Friday. I lifted 10 reps of 180 pounds twice and then 10 reps of 200 pounds once. I'm really increasing the weight on my workouts. I ran for about 10 minutes this morning and then did a 30 minute workout between treatments. Only one more week of Tobi till I get a month-long break.

I let my daughter watch an old DVD we had of the Wonder Woman series from the early eighties. I've learned two things from watching. Special effects have come a long way in the past three decades and I now know why Lynda Carter was not up for any Emmys. Avery kept asking when does she turn into Wonder Woman. I kept asking when do we put this on mute.

I didn't suffer any bouts from depression this weekend. Thursday was good because I saw a good friend at a meeting. He had been suffering and he was now in recovery. I was really happy to see him and we got to chat for a little bit. I feel like I'm starting to become more of a leader in my group. I used to feel like an outsider. I now know that I belong. My biggest issue was never my emotional issues or the way I coped with them or how I treated my family. My biggest issue was that I didn't realize that I had serious issues and therefore I let them go on. I'm glad now that I am accepting of them regardless of how awful I feel about the things that happened.

I found myself last week after I sent my blog on Facebook looking for people from my past. I found two of my old babysitters. I don't know. I'm trying to find people that were a part of my tumultuous past, even if they were not the ones that affected my life in a negative way. I need closure and I'm trying to find it any way I can. I assume that it will help my present and future.

I go to see my therapist this week. George and I have a good relationship. He has really helped me to dig into my past to find out why I've had recent issues that have affected me negatively. I work every day to improve my marriage, my role as a father to my children and I still want to be a role model for kids with CF. While I'm not close to perfect in how I've coped with my disease and how I've treated my family, I have learned how to fight against several physical and emotional enemies and I feel like I can help those that deal with this disease. That's one of the things I hope this blog accomplishes.

I was thinking how life comes full circle today. When I was little, I used to dream that Wendy would ask if I needed help but I never accepted her proposal. Yet when I finally did get help at a rehabilitation facility, it was on the same highway exit as the cemetary that my sister was buried in. I visited her three times as well as my friend Jon Barkan who passed away much too early in life. I placed a Wish for Wendy softball on his grave because I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his support for our event but mostly I wanted him to know how truly invaluable his friendship was to me. I know I speak for many when I say "There were people who loved Jon Barkan and the rest of the people never got to meet him." He was a wonder, wonderful man.

That's all for today. Have a nice week everyone. To those of you suffering, keep fighting. Today always has a chance to be the first day of the rest of your life.

Best Wishes,

Andy

UPDATE ON MR. TURTLE

Sadly Mr. Turtle's leg had to be amputated, BUT he is going to be in good enough shape to be returned to the wild in a few days. They'll take him in 2 to 3 days. So if you're ever in North Fulton County and run into a 3-legged turtle, please say hello to "For My Avery." Yes, that's his name.

Andy

I'm sorry Mr. Turtle and my letter to the babysitter

So this morning, I pulled out of the garage to take Magic to Doggy Day Care for the day while the cleaners came in to clean the house. Unfortunately I hit a bump in the road literally. I ran over a turtle in our garage. Not just any turtle. The one my daughter loved because she fed him a banana this past weekend. I felt so bad. I’ve never run over anything more than a bug before. So I thought about it. Help the turtle and be late to work or go to work and just say “Not my fault.” I went with the former. I found a place in Dunwoody that works on amphibians. “All Creatures” took the turtle in. I refuse to give him a name unless he lives. I think I broke his foot and if he can’t go back into the wild at 100%, they will have to euthanize him. I feel bad but at least I did the right thing and helped the little guy. Magic made it to Doggy Day Care ok after our little adventure. My car was like a petting zoo. All we were missing was a shetland pony. I think I could have stopped at one of the schools and made a few bucks.

I left my cell number and they’ll call me with the results. Granted, this is not like waiting for my CF results or a family member’s health results but still I worry about the little guy and want him to be ok. What am I going to tell Avery? How has a four-footed amphibian lodged himself in my heart? I'll update everyone on his condition as soon as I get the word. They must think I'm crazy for calling them once already to check on the little guy.

I’m looking forward to Andrea’s birthday this weekend. She loved her birthday gift which I gave her last night. I tried to wait but I was too excited so I gave it to her early.

Man, I hate dealing with depression. I swear it’s like living with Jaws. Just when you think you’re out of the woods, it comes right back after you but stronger. I have someone close to me that is dealing with a health issue and it’s just been tough. I know that person is going to be ok but it’s been difficult. Coping with depression is one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s a strange thing. I know I can beat it but there are random moments of the day when I’ll find myself doodling and it turns out I’m writing something horrible about myself or a horrible act I’d like to do myself. I’m not on suicide watch or anything like that but sometimes I’m scared by what I write. I usually throw it away immediately and try to focus on something good like looking at a picture of my family. I sometimes feel like there is an evil spirit locked inside of me, constantly trying to get out. I do my best to fight it off.

I saw my good friend Seth today. We had a good time hanging out. I have one of my meetings tonight. Andrea has another tennis match so Em is coming to watch the kids. It was so cute. Avery stayed downstairs with me while our nanny was here this morning while I was doing my therapy. Avery is ultrasensitive to noise but still when Andrea tried to take her up, she said “I want to stay downstairs with daddy.” Because it’s been tougher to bond with Avery for me than Ethan, that really meant a lot. I was not a great father to Avery her first few years so I feel like this is another step to an amazing father-daughter relationship. She means the world to me and I’m glad she’s starting to feel a bit of a bond. I enclosed a picture of my little cutie from one of my therapy sessions. See, she is starting to have a little bit of fun with it.

I finished the letter I’m going to send to my babysitter in a couple of months. I’d like to hear everyone’s thoughts:

Dear “Babysitter”,

I don’t know if you remember me. I’m hoping you do. About 30 years ago, you beat the absolute crap out of me on several occasions and threatened to do harm to me if I ever told. I never told, but fortunately my mom saw that I was in pain and discovered the red marks all over my backside. I kept this quiet for a long time but I never got closure so today I’m getting it. You really hurt me and affected my life. That stops today. During the time you were beating me, I was having other childhood traumas including finding out that I wasn’t going to have a very long life thanks to my cystic fibrosis. I sometimes wonder if my depression started with the things that you did to me.

You, being a father, must know how hard it is to trust anyone who takes care of your children. Imagine what your actions did to my parents. Imagine what they have done to me now that I have kids. I am never telling people who you are because I’m hoping that you have changed or at least feel bad about what you did. I wish you well and do not expect an apology. This wasn’t done to make you feel better or worse. It was done so I could get over the acts of 30 years ago. It was done so you no longer had the upper-hand. It was done so that the kid who had his life threatened could finally fight back. Mission accomplished.
I’ve said my peace.

Andy Lipman

Thanks everyone for letting me share. Fight the good fight.

Andy