Is it time to stop being Superman?

Have any of you seen Superman II? The movie had me thinking at my therapy session today.



The conflict within me

Since my 25th birthday more than 15 years ago, I have been dead set on finding a cure for cystic fibrosis. It was that day I began writing "Alive at 25" and everything in my life dropped to number two on the priority list. Since then, I've written 3 books, run 13 softball tournaments, made 50 plus speeches and created a music video for cystic fibrosis. Don't get me wrong. I love doing things for the cause but I think somewhere along the way I became defined by CF and I have no idea who I am anymore. In the midst of those 15 years, I managed to find my soulmate, have 2 beautiful children and keep my health in good shape for CF standards. Still I have forgotten who I am. I don't know why people like me. Is it because of who I am? Or is it because of what I do? I have some great friends but I wonder if they really know the true me. I wonder if I know the true me.

For those of you who remember Superman II, there is a scene where Clark Kent (Kal-el) talks to his mother (Lara) and tells her that he doesn't want to be Superman anymore. He just wants to be Clark Kent. He wants things simpler. He doesn't want everyone depending on him to save the world. I think I feel the same way. I don't know that I want to be the Superman of finding a cure for CF right now. Maybe I just want to be me. I think I need a break when Wish for Wendy and the new CF video are over. Maybe I need that Clark Kent time on my hands. I need my friends to hang out with me at a party not just at a charity event. I need to be at a ballgame talking about my family rather than how much money we raised.



This is who I thought I wanted to be all of my life and especially the last 15 years

For 15 years, I have given my heart and soul for the cause. I love doing it, but I think somewhere along the way I lost touch with who I am or what I wanted for me in life. There is no doubt that I am defined by this disease. In many ways, that's great. I've been able to do things that most people have not been able to do...throw out a first pitch at a Braves game, run with the Olympic Torch and speak all over the world to large audiences. Still, I wonder what it's like on an October or November day not to panic about the weather for Wish for Wendy. I wonder what it's like not wearing a shirt and tie and talking to hundreds of people. I wonder what it's like not thinking about a terminal disease every minute of every day.

I find myself finishing Wish for Wendy meetings or closing out speeches to rotary groups and wanting to go home, talk about nothing CF-related and snuggle with my wife and kids. I want normalcy...a normalcy I take full responsibility for ridding myself of 15 years ago.

I am not saying I'm Tom Cruise or Derek Jeter. I'm definitely not saying I'm a celebrity or I'm better than anyone else. I want you to understand that right away. I just mean that in the world of cystic fibrosis I have become somewhat of a role model and I'm not sure I want that anymore. There was a time that nothing meant more to me. Right now, nothing means more to me than my wife and kids. Maybe that's just part of growing old.



Cystic fibrosis can't compete with this

I get e-mails just about every day from people talking to me about cystic fibrosis whether it's the CF Foundation or someone who is affected by the disease. It's great to feel like I'm helping but still it's tough constantly thinking about a terminal disease with a median life expectancy in the late thirties especially when I have it and I'm 40. It really makes me respect Michael J. Fox and the late Christopher Reeve. It makes me wonder if they ever needed a break.

I had a lot of family come into town to celebrate my 40th birthday and while that was great, it made me realize what a big deal it was that I made it to 40. I remember Rusty Sneiderman telling me that I was going to make it to 40 and how excited he was. Rusty died at 36. He was my friend and my cheerleader. My therapist thinks I have survivor's guilt and maybe that's part of it. I don't know. I think a lot about death lately. I think a lot about what would have happened if I hadn't made the fight against CF such a huge part of my life. Would I have found Andrea? Would I have Ethan and Avery? Would I have issues with depression? Would I have succumbed to CF?

I wonder what people would think about the real me. Here are some things you may not know since I speak to large groups and throw 600-person softball tournaments. I am an introvert. I'm terrible in a crowd. I like to be by myself. I want people to like me. I doubt they really do. I'm terrible with conflict. I appreciate when people say that I look so healthy but it embarrasses me at the same time. I try to avoid any discussion regarding health or my charity work when it comes to hanging out with friends. It's not that I'm ashamed of it. It's just that I'm constantly reminded of it. I'm modest to a fault. I hate hearing about the things I've done because even if someone else is saying it, I feel like I'm somehow bragging.

That reminds me of a story I rarely talk about. I don't tell many people. When I was 10 or 11, I was getting really good at tennis and therefore getting a big head. My grandmother Ethel Lipman (who would die the following year) was watching me play at Wild Dunes against this kid named Perry. Here's what I remember about Perry. He was exactly one day younger than me and resided in Detroit. That day, I was crushing Perry. He had no chance. I think it was like 7 games to none. It was then that I grabbed a racquetball glove that was my father's from my tennis bag. I did it at match point to show off. I won the point and was just smiling. "My grandmother was going to be so impressed," I thought. The opposite happened. A woman who some who knew her called her the nicest person on earth scolded me for showing off. She told me that showing off like that did not impress anyone and I should apologize to Perry. I don't even remember if I did but I remember her words. I remember the humiliation I felt. I have diverted cockiness like the plague since then. I still think about Perry every year on my birthday. I have tried to look him up but it's hard to find someone in Detroit, Michigan with the first name Perry when all you have is a birth date and no last name. Maybe it's best I never call him to apologize. I'd say the odds of him remembering this moment in time are astronomical. I only wanted to tell you that story so you know something about me. Modesty is one of my attributes as well as one of my downfalls.

After Wish for Wendy, I'm going to hang up the cape, take a break from CF for a while and see what else there is in this world. I don't know if I'll come back and be "The Superman of CF again." But who knows? Clark Kent decided Superman was who he wanted to be.

Maybe I will too.

Andy

Turning 40!

Since it's my 40th birthday tomorrow, I thought I would remember the 40 best memories of my life in no particular order. Enjoy!

1. The birth of Avery Lipman - My first born. I was so excited.

2. The birth of Ethan Lipman - I thought I loved football before but this kid has taken it to a new level.

3. Meeting Andrea Herz - Meeting my wife was the best thing to happen to me and changed my life in so many ways. I still remember being at a party that I was not even supposed to be at. You gotta love fate!

4. Marrying Andrea Lipman - 11 years ago this past Sunday Andrea and I were married in Atlanta. I am grateful for each day
with her.

5. Running with the Olympic Torch - That was one of the coolest things I've ever done. Andrea, thanks for nominating me!

6. Seeing my first book in print, "Alive at 25" - My dad didn't even think I could read much less write. Ha Ha!

7. Seeing the Braves finally win the World Series - I was at Atlanta Fulton County Stadium that night. I was kind of hoping it would happen again one day. Still waiting...

8. Graduating from the University of Georgia - Though I took the long route, I was proud to get through all of my troubling times and make it out of school.

9. Each close to Wish for Wendy - The close of each Wish for Wendy is very exciting for me as I know we raised a lot of money for a good cause in memory of my sister.

10. Watching my wife run with the Olympic Torch - Seeing Andrea run with it was incredible. We all had T-shirts with her picture on them.

11. The birth of my sister Emily - I always thought I was happy being an only child but Emily changed that. Who would have thought that I had a reality star as a sister? Remember "The New Atlanta" everyone on Bravo this Fall.

12. Seeing Ethan score his first soccer goal - The kid actually kicked 8 goals in one game. The kid had been through so much after he was born but he survived and now is thriving. I'm so proud of him and grateful to Andrea for getting him in that study at Duke. Thanks honey!

13. Seeing Avery win her first medal as a gymnast - the kid is flexible! She puts in so much time at the gym. I'm really proud of her.

14. The day I won my first tennis trophy - Most people forget when they win trophies during their youth but that trophy could not have come at a more important time in my young life.

15. Running my first Peachtree Road Race - It will always be more than a race to me. Thanks Uncle Bobby for pushing me.

16. Running my first triathlon with Andrea - She demolished me but at least I finished. I always was a terrible swimmer but got through it. I was so proud of her as well.

17. My Bar Mitzvah - I was so nervous up there but I was proud to finally get through it. Now I have a video to prove that puberty took way too long for me.

18. Winning my first USTA championship - I remember that the guy who was supposed to play #1 singles got hurt after he and his mom basically put him at 1 singles, 1 doubles and mixed doubles that day because they thought the rest of us couldn't cut it. I won 8-1 and we won the title!

19. The 2001 UGA-Tennessee game - My wife would probably like to forget it. It was my first trip to Neyland Stadium and we won the game with just a few seconds left. My wife and I were only about 20 rows up from the end zone where the final catch was made. If our relationship could survive that, it could survive anything. Thanks to Manny, my father-in-law for the tickets. Go Dawgs!

20. Seeing the Opening Ceremonies of the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta - Thanks Dad for taking me.

21. The CSA Awards - We got to be on 11 Alive and I was one of 11 people chosen for this honor. Thanks again Aunt Susie for nominating me. I also made a good friend from it...Paul Ossmann, news meteorologist, who comes to every Wish for Wendy.

22. Being the speaker at Chipper Jones' gala dinner - The only issue was it was the day after Wish for Wendy and I didn't have much of a voice but I made it through the speech and even made fun of him for his Gators...as for once, the Dawgs had beaten them that year.

23. Being a batboy for the Braves - I got to meet Dale Murphy. I got to see a brawl that day too. So cool!

24. Being a 40 under 40 UGA honoree - Getting to walk on the field and be included with so many great UGA alumni was really cool. I remember having a table at the luncheon and my Aunt Loretta, who nominated me, cheered like nobody's business when they call my name. Thanks Greatest! I still don't know how I was asked to be part of that group but they can't take it back!

25. Being a speaker at the opening for the Center for Birth Defects and Developmental Disabilities for the CDC & Prevention - Thanks Andrea for helping me get this gig. I got to speak at the same event as the late great Dana Reeve (wife of the late Christopher Reeve, one of my heroes in life).

26. The day I lifted 300 pounds - It wasn't just about the number. It was about accomplishing a goal that was seemingly impossible when I was a scrawny kid in college.

27. Being a brother of Tau Epsilon Phi - I have so many friends from my fraternity at the University of Georgia that I can never be more thankful to the brotherhood. I have signed 2 Ketubahs which is the wedding contract for a Jewish marriage and is a great honor, been in 2 other weddings and was best man at my buddy Ross's wedding. All of these people were fraternity brothers of mine. I actually found out that this year a new UGA TEP pledge also has cystic fibrosis. Talk about passing the torch.

28. Being a speaker at a conference for Cystic Fibrosis Ireland in Wexford, Ireland - It was exciting to spend a week with my wife that concluded with me speaking in another country.

29. When Andrea surprised me with a baseball trip to Yankee Stadium and Fenway with my buddy Ross - Thanks Andrea. I had the time of my life watching America's pastime. Thanks Ross for going.

30. Going to Wimbledon with my family - That was a cool trip we took when I was in my teens. Tennis was my sport and seeing some of the greats of the game at these famous hallowed grounds was awesome. Thanks Mom and Dad!

31. Seeing the Dream Team debut in Barcelona - Going to my first Olympic Games was pretty cool but seeing The ORIGINAL Dream Team play in Barcelona was even better. That was the greatest team I've ever seen in person.

32. Being a ballboy for the Atlanta Hawks - The CF Foundation helped me to do this for a night. It was the Celtics and the Hawks. Dominique vs. Bird, McHale and Parish. I got to throw the ball to the Celtics in warm-ups. So cool!

33. Being a ball boy for the Federation Cup which is the Davis Cup for women - You'd think it would be cool because I saw young stars like Jennifer Capriati and Gabriela Sabatini but no, that's not it. I got to be the official ball boy for the Norway team. Enough said.

34. Being asked to be a board member for The Georgia Chapter of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation - I became the first patient to be a member which shows how far the median life expectancy of a CF patient has come.

35. Seeing Kalydeco approved by the FDA - This is the first HUGE CF treatment to come along...the first of many!

36. Finishing the advanced weight-lifting class in college - That was the most important class I ever took in college. It literally changed my life.

37. Being told that Andrea and I were pregnant with Avery and then with Ethan - Again, this is in no particular order or this would be very high up on the list. I never thought I'd be able to have kids. I'm blessed to have not one but two awesome little ones. Thank you Andrea for being a great mom...and wife too of course.

38. When my Aunt Anita invited Andrea and I to go to the Garth Brooks Teammates for Kids Alliance Gala - It was so cool to meet Garth and several professional athletes. Thanks Aunt Anita!

39. Being asked to be a Board Member at the Terry College of Business at the University of Georgia - It's always an honor to be asked to be on a Board but especially as an alumnus at that college. I'm now in my 2nd year as a Board member.

40. My 30th birthday - When Andrea surprised me with about 75 of my closest friends at the Braves game. Thank you Andrea for making 30 so special.

I'm sure there are so many other memories I'm forgetting but the point is I'm so lucky for the experiences I've had the last four decades. Thank you to my family and friends for always being there. I love you guys very much.

Andy

* Honorable Mention:

My 21st birthday, my 25th birthday and my Bachelor Party - I remember very little about any of these but I heard we had a fun time.

Eventually being at a national championship game featuring the Georgia Bulldogs - I can dream, right?

The day my Aunt Anita brought Howard to me - Thank you Anita, Susie and my parents for bringing me my best friend - a friend I so badly needed when I was young.

The day I got my therapy machine - I didn't list it on the original 40 because at the time I did not realize how important this day would be in my life. It would finally allow me the independence I desired.

The day the Braves clinched the division in 1991 - They went from worst to first. It was an incredible season.

The hate from the trial

So the last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I testified in Andrea Sneiderman's case and though I felt I did well, I immediately became a target for hate mail and tweets. It was really ugly for a while there. I found myself checking my Twitter account to see who had bad-mouthed me and my blog. It was really difficult to swallow all of the hurtful things that people said about me, people who I'd never met or talked to. I know that as my children get older that they will most likely be the subject of bullying whether it be the Internet or in their day-to-day affairs off the computer. I will take this experience as a positive in that I can help them with dealing with their issues. You hear the old song "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." I could not disagree more after dealing with the horrible treatment the last few weeks.

I'm sad that my friend Andrea is in prison but I have faith that she will get out sooner rather than later. I pray that her children can hang in there without her but I know they are in good care. I've never had a friend in prison before and I doubt many of you have either. It's a difficult position especially with the media outrage over the case. I still fully support Andrea and hope that she will see her children sooner rather than later. I refuse to push my opinions on others. I just hope that people can respect the fact that this is how I feel. I understand that we are all entitled to our own opinions.

I wish everyone the best. For those of you observing Rosh Hashanah, I hope you have a very Happy New Year.

Andy

Innocent until Proven Guilty (The Andrea Sneiderman Case)

Innocent until proven guilty


Those words are the backbone of our judicial system. Over the last 12 plus months, I've learned that those words are just "words." I have learned that there are some people in this world that will do anything to bully others in order to improve their own fates. I have learned that while everyone who breathes has a heart, that some people only use theirs to pump oxygen and nothing else.

I have been very hesitant to write about my true feelings on the Andrea Sneiderman trial. Being a member of both Facebook and Twitter, I have read some very ugly comments about my friend Andrea. All of the animosity towards Andrea stems from her testifying a year ago in the Hemy Neuman trial. Andrea didn't have to testify that day but she did so in order to put away the man who killed her husband and left her children father-less. She did so to put away the man who harrassed her at work and even away from the office. She did so to make things right.

Andrea was upset when she was on the stand because the prosecution turned on her and instead of making this case about the man who killed her husband, they made it about her. Imagine going into your boss's office thinking you're getting a raise and preparing to come home and tell your significant other that things are going to be awesome. We're going to have more money, more security, etc. Then imagine walking into the boss's office and having him say "You're fired! Pack up your things." That is the same kind of 180 degree turn that took place for Andrea. I can totally understand why she was angry. BUT that is not the temperment that our friend Andrea normally displays. She was caught by surprise and I can't blame her for her anger. I can't blame her one bit. You saw 30 minutes of Andrea. I have seen 5 years worth of her. Actually 4 years since she has been under house arrest for 1 year for charges that were later dropped.

I have been a witness in the Sneiderman trial this time around and now that I'm not subpoenaed anymore after taking the stand, I've been able to catch up on this trial. Let me tell you what I know and how I feel. I know there will be a lot of "haters" who will want to bash me. I am supporting a friend and therefore I know that what I'm doing, while not popular, is right especially because I know that she is innocent.

1. Shayna Citron lied on the stand. She told 2 different stories. Read the transcripts and watch the videos.

2. There are people who are trying to take advantage of the spotlight in this case by trying to write a book and take advantage of every opportunity to be in front of the press. Shame on you. You know who you are.

3. My friend lost her husband and the father of her children. I can't believe some of the awful things people are writing. You didn't see Andrea after the loss of her husband. I witnessed her breakdown at the hospital, at the funeral and in several other places. He was the love of her life. I saw them together often and I have no doubt of that. What you didn't see were her behind-the-scene efforts to do charity work in Rusty's memory...for example the Russell J. Sneiderman sponsorship at my event, Wish for Wendy.

4. Just about every one of you who hates my friend has never met her. She's amazing. I wish you could meet Andrea and get to know the wonderful person that me and my Andrea know. Some of you who did not know her have compared her to Jodi Arias or Casey Anthony. How many people spoke on their behalf? How many people spoke on Andrea's? Exactly.

5. Andrea did not perjure herself. Shayna Citron did as did a few other players in this case. I hope that information eventually comes out.

6. This is not a movie. It shocks and pains me that people are cheering a wonderful mom and wife (now widow) to be put in prison.

7. Andrea Sneiderman's biggest crime was not going to HR. She wasn't just dealing with an awful man. She was dealing with a BOSS who was not only a stalker but also a murderer. Read the e-mails again but this time pretend to be someone who is scared to lose your job in a male-dominated employment world. Pretend that you wanted to let your husband live his dream. Pretend that you thought you could deal with the harrassment. I know one person who did not pretend and that was Andrea. Some of you will say you would have done things differently. Until you put on my friend's shoes, you don't know that. Please remember that she considered other options. See the testimony of her friends specifically my wife's.

8. Read the e-mails in this case again. Andrea felt guilty for holding this man's hand. Some of you have said she must be lying if that's what is making her repent. Then ask yourself, "What if she's telling the truth?" That would mean that she loves her husband so much and she is that honorable that this one small act (to some of us) was torturing this woman's heart and soul.

9. This trial has sadly changed my view of people. They have let the media, undermining attorneys and public opinion sway their own thoughts. If I could introduce each of you to Andrea Sneiderman and her children, you would stop thinking the way you do.

10. I want to conclude this by saying I'm sorry for the loss that the Sneiderman family in Ohio suffered. I can't even imagine. This is not Andrea's fault though. This was Hemy Neuman's fault. He deserves 100% of the blame. He was a stalker and a murderer and is spending every day of the rest of his life in prison and I still don't think that's enough. He took away Rusty Sneiderman, an amazing man, a passionate humanitarian and a loving father, son, brother and husband. I don't think there's anything Andrea could have done to prevent this man from taking Rusty's life.

Instead of saying "The Hell with Andrea and revenge for Rusty", maybe you should realize that freeing Andrea is what Rusty would have wanted. His children are already father-less. Are there really some of you who want them mother-less too? Can people be that cold?

Andrea Sneiderman is my friend and I stand by her and I pray that she is vindicated. Watch the trial again but this time ignore the media. Read the e-mails again and see if this woman was really the love-struck vixen the media portrayed or just a woman who was trying to handle a crazy stalker. There is absolutely no hard evidence in this case. Out of all the e-mails, did she ever respond, "I love you."? No! Did she ever tell this man that she was leaving her husband? No! Was there ever any sexual content in her e-mails? No! The prosecution used a perjurer as a witness. The prosecution used a real estate agent who had talked to a man who was in prison for being "Guilty BUT mentally ill." They had talked to a bartender who claimed they kissed but could not get other facts correct. There are also cases where hearsay occurred between Andrea and Rusty's father. The first day they asked, Andrea Sneiderman gave the Dunwoody Police Hemy Neuman's name. She did everything she was ASKED to do.

Whatever happened to "Innocent until proven guilty." Andrea Sneiderman should be found innocent of all charges.

On another note, I'm proud of my Andrea for testifying on Thursday. She was amazing. I'm proud of everyone who has done the "less popular" thing and openly supported our friend throughout this trial.

For those of you who have hated on Andrea Sneiderman, I was once you. NO, not in this case but 17 years ago. That year a security guard was blamed for the Olympic bombing in Atlanta. I, like you, hated on him only to find out later on that Richard Jewel had absolutely nothing to do with the Olympic bombing. It was instead Eric Robert Rudolph. Jewel later died at the young age of 44 and though he was cleared of all charges I doubt he ever healed from the way he was treated...and this was long before the social media revolution. To the family of the late Mr. Jewel, I say that I'm sorry.

Richard Jewel

For those of you who hate Andrea Sneiderman, I feel bad for you. You'll never have a chance to meet a wonderful person. You'll never have a chance to meet her or her children. I know they will grow up to be amazing people like their father AND THEIR MOTHER.

Today Andrea will meet her fate and I pray that she is found not guilty and that she has an opportunity to speak about the travesty of house-arrest for murder charges that were dropped just days before her actual trial. I hope she can tell people about a friend who betrayed her on the stand and was later caught in a lie. I hope she can tell people about how she was mistreated by those who should in actuality be looking out for her.

I hope she one day publishes this story and uses the money to send her children to school and pay off the debt that has been forced upon her.

If you know me, you know I have a good heart and I look out for every one of my friends. Andrea is very much included. I love her. I loved Rusty. I love her parents and her children. I won't stand by and see them raked by everyone on social networks and the media.

Andrea, I am here for you. Regardless of Friday's decision, you have a friend in me and my Andrea and so many others who will never, ever betray you or your trust.

Let's win this one for Rusty. I know that he is in your corner as well.

Innocent until proven guilty.

Andy

Life back on Lexipro and The Sneiderman trial

I've been on Lexapro for more than a week now and I'm feeling a bit better. I wanted to thank everyone for their feedback and for even pulling me aside in person to tell me that I was not alone. I will continue to update you on my progress.

The Sneiderman pretrial was Friday (jury selection is this week) and there was some good news at least for those of us supporting Andrea. As I expected all along, the murder charges were dropped. I'm just hoping now that she can be vindicated after the perjury charges are challenged. I've been getting calls from Dr. Drew and Nancy Grace and it was not about being at my 40th birthday although that would be entertaining to say the least. The calls are getting a bit overwhelming still I refuse to talk until this trial is over. I know that though Rusty always wanted me to get media exposure, he would not have wanted me to get it this way.



Rusty & Andrea

There is a part of me that is very angry when I read the hateful tweets about my friend Andrea. I hate seeing some of the "stars" of this case that are taking advantage of the spotlight while others suffer unfathomable losses.

This trial has put my Andrea and I through the ringer. Our reputations have been compromised but as I've told my daughter, sometimes doing the right thing is not necessarily the popular thing. The hateful e-mails, the endless media calls and the constant badgering of a close friend have been tough to deal with. Getting calls from people I know and respect who question my reasons for supporting Andrea has also been difficult. Still, I know that I'm doing the right thing by standing up for someone who I know is innocent.

Over the next few weeks, this case will be decided and hopefully that will be the last of it. I hope that not only Andrea is vindicated but that her friends and family can experience some type of vindication as well. Of course, nothing compares to what Andrea has been through.

I wanted to take this moment to thank those in the media that have been very fair and that has nothing to do with siding with Andrea. I just meant that they did not slant this case as a Lifetime movie.

In other news, Ethan is not sleeping very well as he recovers from tonsil surgery. We've been up every night for the last week dealing with his throat pain. I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I continue to lose weight and am trying to now build some of it back through working out and gaining muscle. I've increased my weight-lifting gradually but I hope to see a big difference in the coming weeks.

Andrea's 40th birthday was Thursday. She is now an official cougar at least for another 5 weeks when I turn the big 4-0. We made the entire week a celebration for her though I think she doesn't exactly love being the center of attention. Celebrations like this call for it though in my opinion.



Happy Birthday to a fine looking lady!

The kids start school in a few weeks. It's hard to believe that my daughter will be a 2nd grader soon (though she acts like she's 30) and my son will be going to the same school. We move into our new house in the next few weeks. It's exciting but nerve-wracking.

This July has been one of the craziest months ever between the trial, my wife turning 40, taking our vacation, Ethan's tonsil surgery, closing on our house, running the Peachtree, dealing with clinical depression, working on Wish for Wendy and speaking at a few events.

I am ready for August though it won't be boring. We are moving, dealing with the trial and school starting. I'm also doing the final film shoot for our music video "I Need a Nebulizer."

I spoke of media exposure earlier. I guess my sister is going to be getting some herself. She is one of the new stars on Bravo's "The New Atlanta." Check Emily Lipman out this fall. Good luck Em! We love you! My Andrea and I do have a guest starring role at some point but that's all I can really tell you. Here's her link http://www.bravotv.com/people/emily-lipman/bio.



Em and me a few years back

I hope that everyone is well.

Take care,

Andy

Andy Lipman - raw and honest

July 15, 2013
1:03 AM

Good morning...I mean good EARLY morning. It used to be that you'd never find me up after 10:00PM though I'd like it known I was born at 10:58 PM so I have a history of doing my best work at night. The last few nights I've had difficulty going to sleep before 1:00 AM thanks to the fact that I stopped my antidepressants. The long and short of it was my insurance company said I should have another 90 day supply but I told them I didn't receive it. They would not send me one as I suppose they think I'm a junkie. Yeah, I get off on taking Lexapro 20mg. Look, if it was gummy bears, I could understand why you think I might overdose. By the way, I haven't had a gummy bear in over a month. I have gone from 187 pounds 6 weeks ago to 173. But this entry is not about my new nutritional routine. It's far more important than that.

Most of my blogs detail how strong I have been as far as dealing with cystic fibrosis, depression and anxiety. This blog will do no such thing. This isn't about comeback stories. It's about life and the issues we sometimes have to face. Not every moment is a Roy Hobbs HR or a Clubber Lang knockdown. There are some moments that cause us to suffer but over time make us stronger people. I hope the story I'm about to tell you will some day do the same for me...and maybe even the same for you.

I wanted to talk about my issues with stopping Lexapro. I talked to my psychiatrist after the insurance company turned down my prescription request. We agreed that I could cut my last few pills in half so I could slowly taper off to 10MG for a week and finally stop taking antidepressants prior to July 4th. I knew that this was risky as most patients take 3 or 4 months to taper off and it's still difficult. I was trying to do it in a week.

That morning, I ran my 6.2 miles for the 17th consecutive year at the Peachtree Road Race. This was the first time I ran without my uncle who injured himself. I thought it was kind of cool that there was a 100% chance of rain in the morning yet in the hour plus that I competed, not a single raindrop touched me. I smiled when I thought maybe Wendy was behind it. That was where the good feelings ended.

After the race, I felt out of it but I blamed the exhaustion on running a hilly 6.2 miles (10 kilometers) in the Atlanta humidity. We left for vacation a few days later and the "out of sorts" feelings had not gone away. I felt off balance like I had vertigo...and that feeling has not subsided. If I look backwards really quickly, I feel like I'm going to fall. The culprit became obvious to me.

While on vacation, I read that stopping Lexapro so quickly could do this to me. Sadly, I was out of options unless I wanted a 2-month supply of pills that would cost about $180 since my insurance company would not pay for it (and that still angers me). Honestly, I thought I'd beaten both depression and anxiety and I was overly confident that I could stop these drugs anytime and be fine. Heck, I'd gone more than 37 years without them already. Still, I'd forgotten that many of those years I'd dealt with both anxiety and depression unbeknownst to me at the time. The vertigo persists and now I'm dealing with extreme anxiety. As an example, the other night I woke up in a cold sweat after about a 30 minute sleep. I began hearing negative voices in my head and felt like I was suffocating. It felt as if I was stuffed in a small fish bowl and having someone press against the top so I could not escape. It was hard to breathe...and that's coming from someone with CF who is quite used to having trouble breathing. I was pacing back and forth in my hallway trying not to wake my wife or kids while at the same time trying to shield myself from the angry voices. I felt like I was the little boy in "The Shining" who is riding his tricycle down the hall when he runs into the scary kids. It was frightening.

Finally, tonight or should I say last night since it's officially morning, I called my psychiatrist and left a message. I did get a hold of my psychologist who believes I'll probably need to go back on Lexapro. In some ways, I'm happy. In other ways, I'm not. I feel like I lost by giving in. Even the gummy bears could not beat me. But George, my psychologist, said it best, "It's not your fault. You have a chemical imbalance and a drug like Lexapro helps you." I guess what he's saying is that I'm not giving in. I'm just realizing that I'm not 100% without a little help from some drugs. I have CF. You would have thought I'd known that drugs help by now.

Let me say that I have not been this honest in a long time on this blog. I've never been dishonest but I haven't opened up in a long time like this. Part of me feels like I'm going crazy. Another part of me knows that I have to take care of myself and there are no limits.

It's now 1:23 AM and I'm wondering if I should delete this blog and write something stupid like the Top 10 reasons I know I'm not a fashion mogel. My number 1 was going to be I still have shirts from Structure which closed down more than a decade ago. They might try to sue me for putting on another piece of their merchandise.

Still I think this blog is a lot more important than an occasional Top 10 list or a discussion on my fashion issues. This blog is to tell people it's okay to be honest. It's okay to admit weakness. It's okay to be yourself even if that is considered "strange" to the majority of the world. There are a lot of things that set me apart from others. I don't drink anymore and that can be strange to those around me who are not aware. I take more drugs than someone implicated in the BALCO case. Of course, mine won't get me in trouble. Sometimes I feel like CVS or Walgreens will call me one day to endorse me. Heck, when they have an outage, they may call me to see if I can help out a customer.

I'm an addict. It's something I joke about when it comes to gummy bears and M&M's but it's not always a laughing matter. Over the last few days, I can tell I have problems. Andrea can tell too. I'm a lot shorter with the kids. I can't focus on anything. I'm very condescending with my wife. This isn't me. This is the chemical imbalance which sadly is a part of me.

I have a lot going on so going off Lexapro could not have come at a worse time. There's still the Sneiderman trial which I'm a potential witness towards the end of this month. My son is having his tonsils out. We are closing on a new house. My best friend is coming to town for his daughter's baby naming...and all of this is just in the next week and half. All of this and my glucose results were not great and my anxiety is at an all-time high. I'm not eating. I'm not sleeping. The other problem is that talking is not helping either. Talking about my anxiety makes me...well, anxious!

In certain ways, I'm like many of you. I want to be liked. I don't want to feel different. I try to treat people the right way. In other ways, I can't conform to normalcy. I do hours of treatments per day. I take 30 to 40 pills from morning to night. I go to a doctor once every 6 to 12 weeks to see if I need to stay in a hospital and concern myself with my life expectancy. I wasn't supposed to reach my teens and here I am just 51 days till I hit the big 4-0! In the real world, 40 is considered a mid-life crisis. In the CF world, our midlife crisis was supposed to occur in high school (at least for a guy like me who was born in the seventies).

I've been writing for 30 minutes now...trying not to concern myself with anxiety and depression. The problem is that I get depressed when the topic of depression arises and I get anxious thinking about how messed up my anxiety is. This blog couldn't be more raw nor could it be more honest than it is at this moment. Still I think I should have done that top 10 list. I have some real fashion issues. I had my 7 and 4 year old children walk me around Banana Republic the other day giving me fashion tips...and I listened and made some decent purchases at the outlets.

The last few weeks I've been following TWITTER mainly to read about my Braves but also requesting nebulizer pictures for my upcoming video "I Need A Nebulizer." While the response to the video has been awesome, it has also reminded me why I can never get close to CFers (the clever name we give to CF patients). In the last week, 5 people (a few who asked to take part in my video) died from CF. The average age of those who passed was around 22. Now, I find myself devastated over the loss of people I'd never met, who were killed by the very disease I battle every day...a disease that also killed my sister decades ago.

People tell me I'm so tough and brave. Sure, there are times when I am but there are other times that you don't see how frightened I am. There are times when I cry at the thought of dying before my daughter gets married, being in a hospital room during my son's graduation and being unable to take my wife to dinner because I'm hooked to an IV pole. This is the other side of me. While these thoughts are "normal" for someone with CF or any sort of terminal illness, dealing with anxiety and depression right now makes me think of these awful possibilities far too often.



This picture from more than 5 years ago reminds me of how depressed I could get.

Andrea and I spoke about all the good things coming up. We have a new house on the horizion. We are both turning 40. The Braves are in first place at the All-Star break. Ok, I added that one. The thing is that anxiety and depession have very little to do with what is currently going on. They are these dark feelings that come on like a school of jellyfish invading the perfectly blue ocean. They are unforseen and they are tough to fight off. I could be winning the Nobel Peace Prize and anxiey and depression could make me feel like I was sealed in a square box without a hole to breathe through and without any hope of getting out.

I'm going to tell you that I've been writing for nearly an hour now and refuse to double-check my spelling or grammar (Okay, this is supposed to honest. I went back and edited this. Who am I? Jerry MaGuire?). I am Andy Lipman and this is my purest form. I'll probably read this in the morning and think "What did I do? People are going to think I'm crazy. They are going to make fun of me." In some cases, that will be true. But I'm not writing this for those people. I'm writing this for the people who need to hear about someone real. I'm writing this for those of you who have your own demons and are afraid to talk about them because you're embarrassed and you think you're alone. You're not. I'm not.

Be proud of who you are. Be strong enough to admit your weaknesses. Seek help when staying quiet may be the more popular option.

In summary, let me tell you about myself. My name is Andy Lipman. I'm 39 years and 10 months old. I love my wife to death. My children are the best gift anyone could have ever given me. My parents have been great examples of how to be a good person. My sister Emily, my aunts, uncles and cousins are all very important people in my life and honor me each day with their pursuit of finding a cure for this devastating disease we call cystic fibrosis. I'm an addict. I suffer from anxiety and depression issues just to name a few. My friends and family may want to add the fact that my sense of humor could be another issue. I'm a terrible communicator who will probably ask you what's going on in your life so I don't have to talk about my own. I'm an introvert who is also a motivational speaker. I'm a workout fiend who has trouble saying no to gummy bears. I'm a purchasing director who still pays full price in most retail stores. Finally, I have a terminal lung disease which is probably the 2nd toughest disease I face every day behind the combination of anxiety and depression.

Tomorrow (or should I say today) I will speak to my psychiatrist and see what the next step needs to be. Thank you for allowing me the last two hours to avoid thinking about my anxiety and depression and helping me to feel like things will get better. I will probably continue to hear voices and persevere by ignoring them over the next few hours and probably the next few days. I will still feel as if I'm stuck in a small fish bowl but I'll continue to peek my head out to breathe. And finally I'll continue to keep this blog raw and honest which was my initial intent.

After all, I'm Andy Lipman and I still have a Structure shirt hanging in my closet. You can't get more honest than that.

Good night and good morning,

Andy

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I was put on a lower dose of Lexapro Tuesday morning (half the strength of my old drug) and am already seeing a major difference. Hopefully my family will too.

The Peachtree and a crazy July!

It's been an interesting month to say the least and it should get more interesting.

First off, I have been sticking to the diet and have lost about 10 pounds and weigh around 177 pounds since giving up gummies and M&M's. I have also been eating Healthy Choice meals for lunch. I knew that I needed to be less weight to improve my nutrition but I also knew I needed to lose weight by July 4th for...



Last year's race

That's right. Tomorrow is the Peachtree. This will be my 17th which means I will go over 100 miles in overall mileage (6.2 x 17). I'm at 99.2 right now. This is a sad year for me. My Uncle Bobby got hurt and will not be running for the first time in 35 years. He has passed the ceremonial flag to me per his text. Also, the forecast calls for a miserable downpour so a lot of people aren't running tomorrow and I doubt there will be many fans on the route. I understand their decision. I'm going to try though. Obviously if there's thunder and lightning, I will re-think my decision. The Peachtree is more than running 6.2 miles to me though. I understand the rain is a major obstacle...but so is cystic fibrosis and it has been an obstacle for 4 decades now. I don't like obstacles. I like overcoming them. I'll let you know what happens. Maybe I'll catch a break and every meteorologist locally and nationally will be wrong. I'll pray tonight. I also have in the back of mind everything that happened at the Boston Marathon. I know security will be tight this year. It's going to be a crazy day.

Today also officially begins the first day of NO MORE antidepressants. After 3+ years, I am done. I don't know how it will affect my mood over the next few days but if the gummies and M&M's can't deter me, I don't think these stopping these meds will either. Personally I think I'll miss the gummies and M&M's more.

We finished filming the video this past weekend. The kids got a kick out of watching their dad do about 100 takes including several bloopers. I'm hoping the video will be available on YouTube at the end of the month and I also hope it goes viral and explains to people what cystic fibrosis is and why it's so important to raise money for the cause.

In more important news, Andrea has a big birthday coming up this month. I'm looking forward to celebrating in style.

Ethan is having his tonsils out so I'm a little worried but this kid is amazingly brave. I know he'll do fine.

We also look forward to some beach time soon and we're closing on our new house.

In addition, the Andrea Sneiderman trial is later this month. As of today, I'm still on the witness list as is my Andrea. I know that will be a stressful time.

I also found out my 40th birthday will be the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Maybe in the middle of services I'll scream out, who is going out after this? Rabbi?

Everyone, have a wonderful and safe 4th! If you're running the Peachtree, you won't need to grab water...just keep an empty cup with you.

Andy